To feel her happy is my happiness
when we all give up and it is too late
he rolls in the grass and
she bursts out laughing
it is delicious- a little girls laugh
everyone is touched
everyone smiles from ear to ear
may be they even catch themselves thinking
one of those looks like fun,
one of those wouldnt be too bad after all...
And I cant stop wondering
how for all our thinking
life points us to our places
with its suggestively
concretely
insistant
finger.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Connections
On this holiday lunchtime bus
five ladies
gray hair and wrinkles
bags on wheels and
stony lifeless faces.
I worry about myself
one day
catching that bus
to get my loaf and the bottle
with my wheely bag
with life all but dead and gone out of me
an endless blur of daytime television
waiting for me at home.
There has to be a better way
to use the resources
to make the connections-
my new year's resolution.
five ladies
gray hair and wrinkles
bags on wheels and
stony lifeless faces.
I worry about myself
one day
catching that bus
to get my loaf and the bottle
with my wheely bag
with life all but dead and gone out of me
an endless blur of daytime television
waiting for me at home.
There has to be a better way
to use the resources
to make the connections-
my new year's resolution.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
A Case of Failed Negotiations
she thinks she needs more than shes getting
he thinks he should be exempt due to exceptional circumstances
both watch it fail
one can say they lacked love and understanding
though there isnt any evidence to support this
what do they lack???
he thinks he should be exempt due to exceptional circumstances
both watch it fail
one can say they lacked love and understanding
though there isnt any evidence to support this
what do they lack???
Monday, December 27, 2010
An OMG Moment
Driven on by unshakeable faith
that it is possible to find the roots
of my own mental structures
and learn to navigate,
and build and perform maintenance
in an increasingly intelligent way-
I strike gold!
There is a voice inside.
It speaks of what I stand for
it fights for what matters,
for values, it is true and honest.
Occassionally it hears and sees that
what does not align with any of these.
It raises the hand and shouts
"HELLOOOOOO?!! not happy with this!
This isnt who we are!!!!"
But trained through the years
at the academy of Worthlesness
I suppress this guide
I say no this doesnt hurt,
I'll deal with it.
I say nothing.
The fear floods me
as I await the consequences.
I label the feeling "sick" and "pathological",
I convince myself I am just slightly schizophrenic.
I reject that part of me
that is the purest
and my most trustworthy friend.
And this for years, time after time...
No wonder its scared now
to speak up
frightened to get rejected
all over again.
And not by the other.
By itself!
It is a gift
that this seeing has occurred.
It is luck that the voice
has never given up.
Endurance in the face of rejection
over and over again
like
in
Love.
I invite Forgiveness.
I am completely overwhelmed
and know there is no other way
but to honour and respect
the voice within.
I will call that voice
ME.
After all these years
I stand face to face with ME.
that it is possible to find the roots
of my own mental structures
and learn to navigate,
and build and perform maintenance
in an increasingly intelligent way-
I strike gold!
There is a voice inside.
It speaks of what I stand for
it fights for what matters,
for values, it is true and honest.
Occassionally it hears and sees that
what does not align with any of these.
It raises the hand and shouts
"HELLOOOOOO?!! not happy with this!
This isnt who we are!!!!"
But trained through the years
at the academy of Worthlesness
I suppress this guide
I say no this doesnt hurt,
I'll deal with it.
I say nothing.
The fear floods me
as I await the consequences.
I label the feeling "sick" and "pathological",
I convince myself I am just slightly schizophrenic.
I reject that part of me
that is the purest
and my most trustworthy friend.
And this for years, time after time...
No wonder its scared now
to speak up
frightened to get rejected
all over again.
And not by the other.
By itself!
It is a gift
that this seeing has occurred.
It is luck that the voice
has never given up.
Endurance in the face of rejection
over and over again
like
in
Love.
I invite Forgiveness.
I am completely overwhelmed
and know there is no other way
but to honour and respect
the voice within.
I will call that voice
ME.
After all these years
I stand face to face with ME.
Safe
Watching the mind games is fascinating:
She texts
He doesnt answer
her body is burning
it is all wrong
and then an answer comes
and as if by magic
HE has made the world a Safe place.
It stops spinning and she is safe...
But how can his words
make any difference to her equanimity???
The world is still as it is-
as safe and dangerous as a moment before
She is still as she is-
as safe or endangered as a moment before
Nobody's words can make
any difference
to REALITY.
Sticking to reality
stripping the stories we tell ourselves
when did we lose this skill?
Was it thousands of years ago
or was it thirty?
Time to remind herself:
She is safe.
Ultimately she is always safe.
Nothing can destroy her
because what is important
is indestructible
and the rest
is temporary anyway.
This is OK.
Whatever happens to her
is OK.
Reality is always OK.
Whatever happens to her
has got nothing to do
with Him
where her safety is concerned
physical, emotional or otherwise...
Poor Man.
What a burden to carry.
She is safe.
She is always safe.
She texts
He doesnt answer
her body is burning
it is all wrong
and then an answer comes
and as if by magic
HE has made the world a Safe place.
It stops spinning and she is safe...
But how can his words
make any difference to her equanimity???
The world is still as it is-
as safe and dangerous as a moment before
She is still as she is-
as safe or endangered as a moment before
Nobody's words can make
any difference
to REALITY.
Sticking to reality
stripping the stories we tell ourselves
when did we lose this skill?
Was it thousands of years ago
or was it thirty?
Time to remind herself:
She is safe.
Ultimately she is always safe.
Nothing can destroy her
because what is important
is indestructible
and the rest
is temporary anyway.
This is OK.
Whatever happens to her
is OK.
Reality is always OK.
Whatever happens to her
has got nothing to do
with Him
where her safety is concerned
physical, emotional or otherwise...
Poor Man.
What a burden to carry.
She is safe.
She is always safe.
To the Woman
Little girl
did you forget
that you grew up?
Once upon a time
what you wanted did not matter
frightened you might mention
an issue of contention
just by a word, a suggestion
and then wait with trepidation
for angry retaliation
from your closest relation
Is it time to break this?
Little girl,
you are all grown up now.
The world might still not care
about what you want or what you need.
But only You
can honour You.
And you have to start somewhere.
did you forget
that you grew up?
Once upon a time
what you wanted did not matter
frightened you might mention
an issue of contention
just by a word, a suggestion
and then wait with trepidation
for angry retaliation
from your closest relation
Is it time to break this?
Little girl,
you are all grown up now.
The world might still not care
about what you want or what you need.
But only You
can honour You.
And you have to start somewhere.
A Riddle
If everyone just looked after their own needs first
would the world be a better place or worse?
would relationships be better places or worse?
would the communication be easier or harder?
would we enlighten or go extinct?
would the world be a better place or worse?
would relationships be better places or worse?
would the communication be easier or harder?
would we enlighten or go extinct?
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Rain On
On the third day of rain
it drips from the wet strands of my hair
from my nose, it itches running down there
its on my lips begging to be allowed inside
On the third day of rain
it becomes beautiful in its simplicity
just drip drip dripping on my jacket
gently touching, stroking briefly
before falling away
On the third day of rain
it is allowed everywhere may be it will never leave
some ask
and what about that.
Rain on.
it drips from the wet strands of my hair
from my nose, it itches running down there
its on my lips begging to be allowed inside
On the third day of rain
it becomes beautiful in its simplicity
just drip drip dripping on my jacket
gently touching, stroking briefly
before falling away
On the third day of rain
it is allowed everywhere may be it will never leave
some ask
and what about that.
Rain on.
Control you funny thing
Safely vulnerable
unheard terminology
unknown concept
to a control obsessive
She realy likes to know
where her man is
what her man does
that he will be home every night
and washing up should be done this way
she makes her own tea
and always always carries her own bag
dont bother offering to help
that goes against her religion
of total control
noone can do it
as good as she will anyway
She will screw you over
if she can
tell you what to do and what not to bother
she might trample on a dream or two
unawares
or without care
shes got you where she wants you
if thats what you're into...
But one day she will wake
with the feelings of hate
for you and your weakness
and herself
in her unfulfilled life
true intimacy
still just a concept
many tears away
Safely vulnerable
the doctor prescribed
after apology
after amends
after surrender
It is like being born again
learning the rules
she trips and falls
daily
inching forwards
towards...
unheard terminology
unknown concept
to a control obsessive
She realy likes to know
where her man is
what her man does
that he will be home every night
and washing up should be done this way
she makes her own tea
and always always carries her own bag
dont bother offering to help
that goes against her religion
of total control
noone can do it
as good as she will anyway
She will screw you over
if she can
tell you what to do and what not to bother
she might trample on a dream or two
unawares
or without care
shes got you where she wants you
if thats what you're into...
But one day she will wake
with the feelings of hate
for you and your weakness
and herself
in her unfulfilled life
true intimacy
still just a concept
many tears away
Safely vulnerable
the doctor prescribed
after apology
after amends
after surrender
It is like being born again
learning the rules
she trips and falls
daily
inching forwards
towards...
Step Up or Check Out?
My Christmas wish-
to round up this self therapy
how much longer
will this go on for?
Carrying this flat sad feeling
everywhere
I know it is very real
as in- true
as in- authentic.
Is this an overseen residue?
Is this a result of too much self pressure?
Is this lack of sleep?
Is this just me?
Is this a starting point?
Is this the true beginning of work
or a sign
to put the books down
and
check out?
Nothing is like it was
and there is goodness in that
because I trust
that all is exactly as it needs to be.
to round up this self therapy
how much longer
will this go on for?
Carrying this flat sad feeling
everywhere
I know it is very real
as in- true
as in- authentic.
Is this an overseen residue?
Is this a result of too much self pressure?
Is this lack of sleep?
Is this just me?
Is this a starting point?
Is this the true beginning of work
or a sign
to put the books down
and
check out?
Nothing is like it was
and there is goodness in that
because I trust
that all is exactly as it needs to be.
Friday, December 24, 2010
I miss me
This is true-
when I'm in London
in my head
I miss me
and it hurts.
I feel abandoned
alone and lonely-
as I am!
Sending I love you I love you I love you
to you
I forget
to send an I love you
to me.
Wanting so much to be with you
why not want just as much to be
with me???
Am I not exciting company?
Am I not as fun,
easy, warm and loving???
While we both
wishing the time away
to be with the other
whos so exciting, beautiful,
fun and caring and sexy,
giving and loving and kinky,
good with children, creative and brave...
is it time to enjoy
all that in ourselves?
It is there isnt it?
This funny equation has to be right
so no excuses-
back to my own heart
but wanting and wishing all the same
to keep that big love alive.
when I'm in London
in my head
I miss me
and it hurts.
I feel abandoned
alone and lonely-
as I am!
Sending I love you I love you I love you
to you
I forget
to send an I love you
to me.
Wanting so much to be with you
why not want just as much to be
with me???
Am I not exciting company?
Am I not as fun,
easy, warm and loving???
While we both
wishing the time away
to be with the other
whos so exciting, beautiful,
fun and caring and sexy,
giving and loving and kinky,
good with children, creative and brave...
is it time to enjoy
all that in ourselves?
It is there isnt it?
This funny equation has to be right
so no excuses-
back to my own heart
but wanting and wishing all the same
to keep that big love alive.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas
These cinnamon whirls
the smell fills the house
it fills the veins
of the daughter turned mother
These cinnamon whirls
for all the little girls
in the big big world
the smell fills the house
it fills the veins
of the daughter turned mother
These cinnamon whirls
for all the little girls
in the big big world
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
The Puppy Eyes
When he looks at you
with the puppy eyes
he is exposed
he is saying
for You I will move mountains
I will stop the river
I will run myself into the ground
if I have to
because I love you
like that
Those puppy eyes
a sure sign
of vulnerability
and an awful lot of
courage
with the puppy eyes
he is exposed
he is saying
for You I will move mountains
I will stop the river
I will run myself into the ground
if I have to
because I love you
like that
Those puppy eyes
a sure sign
of vulnerability
and an awful lot of
courage
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I arrive in November. The hottest one in years they say. Hardly a great start for a European with a 2 year old in her arms. Everyone sweats! There is the strong manly sweat of builders and grass mowers in khaki shorts, proud sweat of jogging men and women, apologetic sweat of other busy mothers pushing the prams loaded with heavy vocal children, and even the air conditioned drivers manage to sweat up their armpits between the cool departure from their perfectly environmentally controlled vehicles and the shops and cafes that they run in and out of. But that’s in the suburbs. Brisbane city seems curiously resistant to this side effect of tropical living- its central streets teaming with perfectly dressed, perfectly clean men and women in suits, white shirts and pencil skirts and not a sweat mark in sight. Women’s perfectly smooth legs completely throw me off my cool as I stare in disbelief. How do they do it? Looks like I will need to seriously step up my skin and hair routine. I sigh.
First few weeks are really hard going. Though my in-laws are helpful and generous with their time and their home three weeks later I am constantly screaming in my head and when I return home to find my freshly washed clothes folded for me and a bottle of air freshener discretely placed next to the bin it becomes clear that we really really need to move out. Luckily just then my Brisbane grown husband finally secures a job and all three of us move into our first house ever! Renting of course- we are far too immature and unaccountable to have invested sensibly or acquired any assets as we enter our thirties. Another one of those cases of “modern young couples” who live from day to day and only have debts to show. Still- the house is charming even if all the wardrobes do smell of urine and there are grease stains all over the kitchen walls. Or what is intended to be a kitchen but really is just a space behind a bar, no bigger than a bartender gets to prepare the exotic labor intensive cocktails at a really swanky tropical bar. I beam as I picture myself blissfully sipping a Piña Colada, fanned by the palm leaves in the garden as my toddler plays contentedly in a water filled shell that seems to be a must for kids in the Brisbane summer.
The bliss doesn’t last. Having finally accepted that I will simply be sweaty every day for the rest of my life I encounter something a lot more disturbing. The cockroaches pay a visit. Every day. God only knows how the buggers get into this securely guarded home with screens across every door and window, they rarely give their little tricks away. They just appear- on ceiling, on walls, on floors, on curtains and every time I scream. Now this particular evening I am typing away at my computer, minding my own business, possibly writing back home to say how fantastic tropical living is and all that jazz, when with a corner of my eye I notice a movement! Yes, there he is- on the kitchen wall right opposite. I don’t even get any time to blink as the cockroach takes off and flies right towards me or rather towards the lamp right behind me, but I haven’t figured that one out. With a terrible scream I dive sideways onto the floor and I am sure a robber with a gun couldn’t have got me doing that any faster. My husband saves my life one more time and I vow to myself to book a ticket back home first thing in the morning. I simply cant see how I can survive in a place where insects the size of humming birds fling their bodies right at my face on a daily basis. What was I thinking?
But as the days unfold, the surface spray does its job and the rains set in to flood us things seem to take a turn for worse and cockroaches temporarily leave my field of awareness. My husband gets man tackled, bruised, arrested and charged and so nearly gives me a heart attack. And guess what. His crime? Running a red light on his pushbike! Unbelievable! I am frustrated out of my head concerning his upcoming court appearance and the threatened thousands of dollars of fine money but I feel reassured that Brisbane really must be a terrifically safe place to live and prosper. Crime? What crime? Drugs, domestic violence, burglaries? Not a problem! Now those rough cyclists though, that’s a different story! They really are a menace! As a seasoned London cyclist I cant decide whether to laugh or cry. Well, I do a bit of both as the magistrate throws the case out of court and sends my husband packing though not without having given him a good finger wagging first. Yes Sir, says Hubby, I should not have done that, gazing at the floor tiles. That’s when I start to worry that we might need to grow up soon. Both. And separately.
First few weeks are really hard going. Though my in-laws are helpful and generous with their time and their home three weeks later I am constantly screaming in my head and when I return home to find my freshly washed clothes folded for me and a bottle of air freshener discretely placed next to the bin it becomes clear that we really really need to move out. Luckily just then my Brisbane grown husband finally secures a job and all three of us move into our first house ever! Renting of course- we are far too immature and unaccountable to have invested sensibly or acquired any assets as we enter our thirties. Another one of those cases of “modern young couples” who live from day to day and only have debts to show. Still- the house is charming even if all the wardrobes do smell of urine and there are grease stains all over the kitchen walls. Or what is intended to be a kitchen but really is just a space behind a bar, no bigger than a bartender gets to prepare the exotic labor intensive cocktails at a really swanky tropical bar. I beam as I picture myself blissfully sipping a Piña Colada, fanned by the palm leaves in the garden as my toddler plays contentedly in a water filled shell that seems to be a must for kids in the Brisbane summer.
The bliss doesn’t last. Having finally accepted that I will simply be sweaty every day for the rest of my life I encounter something a lot more disturbing. The cockroaches pay a visit. Every day. God only knows how the buggers get into this securely guarded home with screens across every door and window, they rarely give their little tricks away. They just appear- on ceiling, on walls, on floors, on curtains and every time I scream. Now this particular evening I am typing away at my computer, minding my own business, possibly writing back home to say how fantastic tropical living is and all that jazz, when with a corner of my eye I notice a movement! Yes, there he is- on the kitchen wall right opposite. I don’t even get any time to blink as the cockroach takes off and flies right towards me or rather towards the lamp right behind me, but I haven’t figured that one out. With a terrible scream I dive sideways onto the floor and I am sure a robber with a gun couldn’t have got me doing that any faster. My husband saves my life one more time and I vow to myself to book a ticket back home first thing in the morning. I simply cant see how I can survive in a place where insects the size of humming birds fling their bodies right at my face on a daily basis. What was I thinking?
But as the days unfold, the surface spray does its job and the rains set in to flood us things seem to take a turn for worse and cockroaches temporarily leave my field of awareness. My husband gets man tackled, bruised, arrested and charged and so nearly gives me a heart attack. And guess what. His crime? Running a red light on his pushbike! Unbelievable! I am frustrated out of my head concerning his upcoming court appearance and the threatened thousands of dollars of fine money but I feel reassured that Brisbane really must be a terrifically safe place to live and prosper. Crime? What crime? Drugs, domestic violence, burglaries? Not a problem! Now those rough cyclists though, that’s a different story! They really are a menace! As a seasoned London cyclist I cant decide whether to laugh or cry. Well, I do a bit of both as the magistrate throws the case out of court and sends my husband packing though not without having given him a good finger wagging first. Yes Sir, says Hubby, I should not have done that, gazing at the floor tiles. That’s when I start to worry that we might need to grow up soon. Both. And separately.
A Gift to Self
Trusting that day follows night
and we all will wake
Trusting that faraway homes and cities
still stand
Trusting that your child is safe
and you will hug again
Trusting that friends wont betray
and leave you helpless
Trusting that all the help needed
is within
Trusting that the Earth wont open
but will catch you and hold you
while you dust yourself off
should worse come to worst
Trusting that there is permanence
in love
Permanence in Love
All of this sometimes is
and sometimes isnt
Trusting that it always is right
Is the best gift to Self.
and we all will wake
Trusting that faraway homes and cities
still stand
Trusting that your child is safe
and you will hug again
Trusting that friends wont betray
and leave you helpless
Trusting that all the help needed
is within
Trusting that the Earth wont open
but will catch you and hold you
while you dust yourself off
should worse come to worst
Trusting that there is permanence
in love
Permanence in Love
All of this sometimes is
and sometimes isnt
Trusting that it always is right
Is the best gift to Self.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
An Old Fairytale
This Princess, like any old Princess
she has beauty and kindness
and she has made the cave cozy
and all the neighbours really like her
But this Princess is not free
A fearsome Dragon her master
Day and night he guards her
with his sulfur breath he warns her
You can not escape
I go where you go
and you are mine
Countless times she has tried to escape
while the beast was asleep
alone she did not get far
a branch broke, a bird chirped
Dragon woke and raged
for days she'd be locked in a cage
crying and pleading until
weary she'd fall asleep...
Now there should be a Prince in this story
A mighty fearless fellow
with a sword that sang of a certain death
with a heart not frightened by any threat
The beautiful Princess he coveted
to a battle with the beast he arrived
three long days (or was it years)
the battle raged and the blood flowed
and every head that the Prince speared
made another three much more fearsome ones grow
Three long days and nights without a rest
fought this Prince now weary and pale
til refreshed by the water that the maiden offered
he speared the heart and down the beast came...
But that was then and this is now
Princesses now are told to grow up
Dragons signed up for some therapy
and Princes- well, who would still agree
that its fair to expect all that from anybody!
There is no happy ending to this story
about a Princess, her Dragon and the handsome Prince.
The cave is still homely and the Princess lives on
and if you ever wander this deep in the woods
listen out, some days you might hear her song
of a dream come true and how once she thought that it would.
she has beauty and kindness
and she has made the cave cozy
and all the neighbours really like her
But this Princess is not free
A fearsome Dragon her master
Day and night he guards her
with his sulfur breath he warns her
You can not escape
I go where you go
and you are mine
Countless times she has tried to escape
while the beast was asleep
alone she did not get far
a branch broke, a bird chirped
Dragon woke and raged
for days she'd be locked in a cage
crying and pleading until
weary she'd fall asleep...
Now there should be a Prince in this story
A mighty fearless fellow
with a sword that sang of a certain death
with a heart not frightened by any threat
The beautiful Princess he coveted
to a battle with the beast he arrived
three long days (or was it years)
the battle raged and the blood flowed
and every head that the Prince speared
made another three much more fearsome ones grow
Three long days and nights without a rest
fought this Prince now weary and pale
til refreshed by the water that the maiden offered
he speared the heart and down the beast came...
But that was then and this is now
Princesses now are told to grow up
Dragons signed up for some therapy
and Princes- well, who would still agree
that its fair to expect all that from anybody!
There is no happy ending to this story
about a Princess, her Dragon and the handsome Prince.
The cave is still homely and the Princess lives on
and if you ever wander this deep in the woods
listen out, some days you might hear her song
of a dream come true and how once she thought that it would.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
I Knew It!
38 hours at a dry cleaners
the office is from here to here
the doctor told me
I could not cope with work
for 2 years or so
but doctor or no doctor
I will try
at least for a while
save some money
but they dont want me
but it isnt like I couldnt cope
38 hours at the dry cleaners
the musicans look like this
when I mention dry cleaners
my daughter says
mum why did you say
38 hours... at the dry cleaners?
It is impossible to break me.
What did you say?
Oh, it is impossible to break me.
I knew it:))!!!
the office is from here to here
the doctor told me
I could not cope with work
for 2 years or so
but doctor or no doctor
I will try
at least for a while
save some money
but they dont want me
but it isnt like I couldnt cope
38 hours at the dry cleaners
the musicans look like this
when I mention dry cleaners
my daughter says
mum why did you say
38 hours... at the dry cleaners?
It is impossible to break me.
What did you say?
Oh, it is impossible to break me.
I knew it:))!!!
My Anger
Primal anger
It looks like this:
FINE!
I am just fine!
Everything is fine!!
How dare you leave me like this!
You just dont care about me!
Fine!
I dont need you,
I dont need THIS!
I'll be just fine!!!
Everything is fine!!!
I havent been better in fact!
I laugh about this today
Is anger my friend?
Is it a nuisance?
I havent figured out yet
but it is very predictable
and it is starting to bore me,
its got no guts
it wont throw plates around
it wont burn things
or cut clothes
it likes to choke my throat,
use the computer
and wield glitter glue
Pathetic!
I yawn
I stretch
I smile
wave good bye (or show a finger
as the case may be)
til the next time
undoubtedly.
Booooring!
It looks like this:
FINE!
I am just fine!
Everything is fine!!
How dare you leave me like this!
You just dont care about me!
Fine!
I dont need you,
I dont need THIS!
I'll be just fine!!!
Everything is fine!!!
I havent been better in fact!
I laugh about this today
Is anger my friend?
Is it a nuisance?
I havent figured out yet
but it is very predictable
and it is starting to bore me,
its got no guts
it wont throw plates around
it wont burn things
or cut clothes
it likes to choke my throat,
use the computer
and wield glitter glue
Pathetic!
I yawn
I stretch
I smile
wave good bye (or show a finger
as the case may be)
til the next time
undoubtedly.
Booooring!
Learning
Trying to untangle
Fear from Intuition
Stale past hurts
from live emotion
This is the hardest task
Made a lot more complicated
by placing most importance
on a heart a few thousand miles away
Being in the moment
You dont exist
Until you surface
Then fade
Rain on my skin matters
A hand on my shoulder matters
Those conversations matter
The camping spots,
kids movies,
bicycle rides
matter and exist
while you're nowhere to be seen
This is a difficult lesson
reconciling
wanting to hear you
wanting to touch you
laugh with you, debate with you,
play with you
this much
with reality
of so very little to hold
but a hole inside me
expanding
and hurting more
I do nothing for now
Fear from Intuition
Stale past hurts
from live emotion
This is the hardest task
Made a lot more complicated
by placing most importance
on a heart a few thousand miles away
Being in the moment
You dont exist
Until you surface
Then fade
Rain on my skin matters
A hand on my shoulder matters
Those conversations matter
The camping spots,
kids movies,
bicycle rides
matter and exist
while you're nowhere to be seen
This is a difficult lesson
reconciling
wanting to hear you
wanting to touch you
laugh with you, debate with you,
play with you
this much
with reality
of so very little to hold
but a hole inside me
expanding
and hurting more
I do nothing for now
Friday, December 17, 2010
Different
Today
I look at this face
its different
There's a mirror there
like a lake at midnight
with a moon
two curious eyes
I look at these legs
I dont recognise them
are they mine?
They are slender
and beautiful.
Where have they come from?
I feel for the heart
Its expanded
its taken over
it seems to be breathing me
Pushed further by anger
Being has decided
enough is enough
Take this:
Today is unafraid
Its a brave brave day
And thats OK.
I look at this face
its different
There's a mirror there
like a lake at midnight
with a moon
two curious eyes
I look at these legs
I dont recognise them
are they mine?
They are slender
and beautiful.
Where have they come from?
I feel for the heart
Its expanded
its taken over
it seems to be breathing me
Pushed further by anger
Being has decided
enough is enough
Take this:
Today is unafraid
Its a brave brave day
And thats OK.
Where Do We Go Now
If I was your wife
it would be my joy
to know you
to be the drug
that loosens your tongue
to be the movie
that makes you laugh
to be the pillow
that holds you and your dreams
If you were my man
you would close like a circle
with me in it
you'd be the ear
that hears
you'd be my erotic fantasy
that always delivers
you'd be my peace
and I'd be your joy
With one foot ahead I've lost it
With the other behind I havent yet got it
Where do we go now?
it would be my joy
to know you
to be the drug
that loosens your tongue
to be the movie
that makes you laugh
to be the pillow
that holds you and your dreams
If you were my man
you would close like a circle
with me in it
you'd be the ear
that hears
you'd be my erotic fantasy
that always delivers
you'd be my peace
and I'd be your joy
With one foot ahead I've lost it
With the other behind I havent yet got it
Where do we go now?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Two Hungry Lovers
Two hungry lovers they are
out of place
out of time
out of shame
out of mind
Two hungry lovers they have
nothing to hide
nothing to lose
nothing to keep
nothing to gain
Two hungry lovers they have
no fear
no fear
no fear
Two hungry hungry lovers
with no plans beyond that one
to give all
to the ever expanding moment that
requires
needs
demands
and takes
from two very willing givers.
out of place
out of time
out of shame
out of mind
Two hungry lovers they have
nothing to hide
nothing to lose
nothing to keep
nothing to gain
Two hungry lovers they have
no fear
no fear
no fear
Two hungry hungry lovers
with no plans beyond that one
to give all
to the ever expanding moment that
requires
needs
demands
and takes
from two very willing givers.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My Grandad
Now there is a surprise
And I never saw it
I look at a little girl
she can never do aything rigth
at home
she is too big, too dumb, too clumsy
and sometimes she
really deserves a beating
being so stupid and difficult
and all that
But the Grandad
Has no doubts
She is the best
She works so hard
Shes like an angel
He wishes she never left
at the end of each summer
he always cries
Sure he drinks
Sure he hits his wife
or tries to
Sure he wets himself
at times
when so drunk.
But-
I was loved
consistently
after all.
I Thank You Grandad.
And I never saw it
I look at a little girl
she can never do aything rigth
at home
she is too big, too dumb, too clumsy
and sometimes she
really deserves a beating
being so stupid and difficult
and all that
But the Grandad
Has no doubts
She is the best
She works so hard
Shes like an angel
He wishes she never left
at the end of each summer
he always cries
Sure he drinks
Sure he hits his wife
or tries to
Sure he wets himself
at times
when so drunk.
But-
I was loved
consistently
after all.
I Thank You Grandad.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
An Ordinary day
SO this is a homeless hostel. SO the accommodation here is basic with rooms to share, communal facilities and rent to pay. Does it somehow mean that anything goes? Does acquiring the label of “a woman in crisis” instantly negate all the other rules that normally regulate the interactions between humans? I am boiling with rage here today and at times I feel a strong urge to throw up.
Jodie rolled out of bed her dishevelled usual self. Smoking her cigarette eagerly, like a meditation, she proceeds to tell the worker how she’s only got 12 more days before she has to move out. And guess what, the fiancé’s family have finally, and I mean FINALLY come up with an offer to help. A bond for a place for the lovebirds and rent- paid for as long as necessary. “So they’ve saved you like little children” interjects the worker, looking rather aghast. “No” Jodie says. “They decided to help. They have helped his other siblings but have never done anything for David. So they decided to help. They are after all multi millionaires!” I feel the wave of heat rising in my stomach. Jodie must be around fourty, with grown up kids for Christ sakes! Not to mention on the Disability Pension for a mysterious brain condition that stops her from being able to work. Apparently. This isn’t going to be a good day. I seem to have run out of compassion.
Just then things turn for worse. Melanie emerges, mumbling. Plants herself in the seat next to me, lights the cigarette and begins the moan. She asks the worker for a lighter plastic cup to use to make her coffee in… Her own bone condition is playing up today. She is finding it a struggle to hold the mug of coffee. “I am disabled you know, I should be in the wheelchair really!” It is about then that the nausea advances.
In my bedspace first I punch the pillow, then take a deep breath. I fight the desire to run back there and slap these children around the face a few times, then shake them by their shoulders and shout in their faces “get real! What are you doing to yourself! Wake up!” Instead I pull out the box of hair dye and retreat into the bathroom. Cant stand it when the roots are showing. And the grays.
Downstairs all is set for the communal Sunday brekkie. Everyone seems chilled out and there is much joking about getting sucked into Jodie’s schemes of helplessness, all so crafty you totally see how she’s made a career out of it. I suppose with all that time on your hands certain skills are always learnt. Important life skills. Like conning others into giving, making, gifting things to you. Its so smooth most of us are totally unaware we’ve been doing it. Even the workers laugh incredulous as they recall how the Sunday before they were mopping up Jodie’s fiancé’s blood and running down the street to save her. Supposedly. Melanie burps loud and makes a comment about her bowel movements. It makes me look at my sausage and bacon in disgust and others swiftly attempt to move on to other topics. Felicity pipes up:” Well, lucky that with my Bipolar I wasn’t really paying much attention and missed that”. I stare at this woman for a long time as I cant face my food- is she for real? I wonder if I have somehow taken the wrong turn on my way to my intended geographical destination and ended up on planet Saturn. Or Mars. Or somewhere much much deeper into the dark recesses of the Universe where I now live with mutants and cripples and plain weirdoes. God I need to get out of this place.
Jodie rolled out of bed her dishevelled usual self. Smoking her cigarette eagerly, like a meditation, she proceeds to tell the worker how she’s only got 12 more days before she has to move out. And guess what, the fiancé’s family have finally, and I mean FINALLY come up with an offer to help. A bond for a place for the lovebirds and rent- paid for as long as necessary. “So they’ve saved you like little children” interjects the worker, looking rather aghast. “No” Jodie says. “They decided to help. They have helped his other siblings but have never done anything for David. So they decided to help. They are after all multi millionaires!” I feel the wave of heat rising in my stomach. Jodie must be around fourty, with grown up kids for Christ sakes! Not to mention on the Disability Pension for a mysterious brain condition that stops her from being able to work. Apparently. This isn’t going to be a good day. I seem to have run out of compassion.
Just then things turn for worse. Melanie emerges, mumbling. Plants herself in the seat next to me, lights the cigarette and begins the moan. She asks the worker for a lighter plastic cup to use to make her coffee in… Her own bone condition is playing up today. She is finding it a struggle to hold the mug of coffee. “I am disabled you know, I should be in the wheelchair really!” It is about then that the nausea advances.
In my bedspace first I punch the pillow, then take a deep breath. I fight the desire to run back there and slap these children around the face a few times, then shake them by their shoulders and shout in their faces “get real! What are you doing to yourself! Wake up!” Instead I pull out the box of hair dye and retreat into the bathroom. Cant stand it when the roots are showing. And the grays.
Downstairs all is set for the communal Sunday brekkie. Everyone seems chilled out and there is much joking about getting sucked into Jodie’s schemes of helplessness, all so crafty you totally see how she’s made a career out of it. I suppose with all that time on your hands certain skills are always learnt. Important life skills. Like conning others into giving, making, gifting things to you. Its so smooth most of us are totally unaware we’ve been doing it. Even the workers laugh incredulous as they recall how the Sunday before they were mopping up Jodie’s fiancé’s blood and running down the street to save her. Supposedly. Melanie burps loud and makes a comment about her bowel movements. It makes me look at my sausage and bacon in disgust and others swiftly attempt to move on to other topics. Felicity pipes up:” Well, lucky that with my Bipolar I wasn’t really paying much attention and missed that”. I stare at this woman for a long time as I cant face my food- is she for real? I wonder if I have somehow taken the wrong turn on my way to my intended geographical destination and ended up on planet Saturn. Or Mars. Or somewhere much much deeper into the dark recesses of the Universe where I now live with mutants and cripples and plain weirdoes. God I need to get out of this place.
The Gingers
Something
so magnetic
about these gingers!
Their
wrinkly necks
vulnerable. I am
drawn
to them
immediately. Their colour
promising
bold and
different in such
juxtaposition
with their
shy, blushing demeanour
Hmmm...Maybe not
blushing but
sunburnt
so magnetic
about these gingers!
Their
wrinkly necks
vulnerable. I am
drawn
to them
immediately. Their colour
promising
bold and
different in such
juxtaposition
with their
shy, blushing demeanour
Hmmm...Maybe not
blushing but
sunburnt
Monday, December 13, 2010
Pessimistic
I see
how the impossible can be done
how unbearable can be endured
how painful can be tolerated
and destructive survived
(though I wouldnt go as far as claim
any of this could be enjoyed)
with constant
vigilant
totally focussed
gentle
and compassionate (even!)
attention
on here and now.
Yeah.
Its not looking too good for me.
how the impossible can be done
how unbearable can be endured
how painful can be tolerated
and destructive survived
(though I wouldnt go as far as claim
any of this could be enjoyed)
with constant
vigilant
totally focussed
gentle
and compassionate (even!)
attention
on here and now.
Yeah.
Its not looking too good for me.
Affirmation
Reality is a straight line.
A laser beam cutting through darkness.
The more mind wanders
with
"I Should"
"May Be"
"What If"
the further you spin out
where you cant see
into the black
away from the line
which is the path
taking you
where it takes you
and absolutely
no place else.
At least
you genuinely
have a chance
to be there
if you want to.
A laser beam cutting through darkness.
The more mind wanders
with
"I Should"
"May Be"
"What If"
the further you spin out
where you cant see
into the black
away from the line
which is the path
taking you
where it takes you
and absolutely
no place else.
At least
you genuinely
have a chance
to be there
if you want to.
Jehova, Honestly!
I am glad I took a moment
Could have easily closed the door
or never opened it in the first place
But hey, I have nothing to hide
and noone to hide from
So I talk to these handsome boys
They say there is evidence in This Book
of- Kingdom!
And a perfectly good
(though no guarantees regarding sane)
explanation
to the reasons for human suffering.
Compassionately they express hope
for me
that a belief in a personified God
could be possible again...
at some point?
perhaps once a loved one passes away
this might scare me enough
to project all my hopes and fears
and irrational childish desires
onto that Good and Loving Father?
No I say, It didnt.
They have given up on instant salvation
for me
but believe, really believe
that all is not lost for me
if only I could see...
I conclude this awkward exchange
(well, I am after all wearing a bikini top)
by lifting my arms
and reading out my rib tattoo:
"Islands Holding Hands" I say
This is my faith.
The boys retreat
with comments on my accent
and the meaning of my name.
Honestly Jehova,
what a waste of time.
Could have easily closed the door
or never opened it in the first place
But hey, I have nothing to hide
and noone to hide from
So I talk to these handsome boys
They say there is evidence in This Book
of- Kingdom!
And a perfectly good
(though no guarantees regarding sane)
explanation
to the reasons for human suffering.
Compassionately they express hope
for me
that a belief in a personified God
could be possible again...
at some point?
perhaps once a loved one passes away
this might scare me enough
to project all my hopes and fears
and irrational childish desires
onto that Good and Loving Father?
No I say, It didnt.
They have given up on instant salvation
for me
but believe, really believe
that all is not lost for me
if only I could see...
I conclude this awkward exchange
(well, I am after all wearing a bikini top)
by lifting my arms
and reading out my rib tattoo:
"Islands Holding Hands" I say
This is my faith.
The boys retreat
with comments on my accent
and the meaning of my name.
Honestly Jehova,
what a waste of time.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Malaika
Today at the concert
A South African love song
I sing as I wonder
How could I be so misunderstood
Thinking if it would be possible
To love more than this
"Though I know you are so far away
In my heart we are together"
I sing it for you
Hoping there can be no misunderstandings
about this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jpl8rPQBASU
A South African love song
I sing as I wonder
How could I be so misunderstood
Thinking if it would be possible
To love more than this
"Though I know you are so far away
In my heart we are together"
I sing it for you
Hoping there can be no misunderstandings
about this
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jpl8rPQBASU
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Personal Frustration
The helpless
the addicts
the alcoholics
the passive aggressives
the depressed
the righteously violent
the entitled
the mentally ill
the borderlines
the bipolars
the thieves
the suicidal
the con artists
the disabled
the child abusers
Growing a thicker skin
I look right through them
To the core,
To the healthy,
To strength.
I look in their eyes.
Bullshit!
Overwhelmed by the desire
to slap them accross the face,
shake them up
and scream
I breath slow
There is no end to this frustration
With the pollution
of air, food and minds
slowly seeping like radiation
into society
deforming and crippling
while we breathe
what we think is fresh
while we eat
what we think is wholesome
while we think
what we're certain
is right
and will get us somewhere
good and happy and plenty...
Growing crippled cucumbers,
poisonous pumpkins
and sick helpless people,
genetically modified
to eliminate the inquiry
but encouraged to want
and need and require more,
an infinate amount really,
desires never satisfied
as that emptiness
can never be filled
with plastic
the addicts
the alcoholics
the passive aggressives
the depressed
the righteously violent
the entitled
the mentally ill
the borderlines
the bipolars
the thieves
the suicidal
the con artists
the disabled
the child abusers
Growing a thicker skin
I look right through them
To the core,
To the healthy,
To strength.
I look in their eyes.
Bullshit!
Overwhelmed by the desire
to slap them accross the face,
shake them up
and scream
I breath slow
There is no end to this frustration
With the pollution
of air, food and minds
slowly seeping like radiation
into society
deforming and crippling
while we breathe
what we think is fresh
while we eat
what we think is wholesome
while we think
what we're certain
is right
and will get us somewhere
good and happy and plenty...
Growing crippled cucumbers,
poisonous pumpkins
and sick helpless people,
genetically modified
to eliminate the inquiry
but encouraged to want
and need and require more,
an infinate amount really,
desires never satisfied
as that emptiness
can never be filled
with plastic
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
A Disconnected Day
What a disconnected day
The man really tries to evoke
a painful vision
of animal suffering
brown bears and monkeys
but he fails
it is easy to walk away
I try again
with the mother talking Farsi
the whole different continent
written all over her face
and her daughter
a true curiosity
in fluent english
there are moments of connection
I sense the mountain
of life and acts and information
all out of reach
where I am.
Disconnected, arriving all places
just a moment too late
like someone should reload
and start all over
and make movements
match the sound.
The man really tries to evoke
a painful vision
of animal suffering
brown bears and monkeys
but he fails
it is easy to walk away
I try again
with the mother talking Farsi
the whole different continent
written all over her face
and her daughter
a true curiosity
in fluent english
there are moments of connection
I sense the mountain
of life and acts and information
all out of reach
where I am.
Disconnected, arriving all places
just a moment too late
like someone should reload
and start all over
and make movements
match the sound.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Particles Collide?
Pressing a frangipani flower in this card didnt quite work out as I'd hoped. So I kept it. Though not my words, makes a great addittion to yours:))
Just Love You
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Walking the Line
There is wanting for you to take me
completely, keenly, in every way
intensely
abandoning myself
my shell no longer needed
once my spirit, my voice, my juice
is in you
Then there is wanting to take you
acutely, fully, mindfully
intensely
noticing everything
in your words, on your skin
your eyes, your heart, your body
at my feet
And there is walking that line
of calm
in between
slipping constantly
completely, keenly, in every way
intensely
abandoning myself
my shell no longer needed
once my spirit, my voice, my juice
is in you
Then there is wanting to take you
acutely, fully, mindfully
intensely
noticing everything
in your words, on your skin
your eyes, your heart, your body
at my feet
And there is walking that line
of calm
in between
slipping constantly
My First Love
I have never loved like this before
Somehow I feel, I laugh,
the blood still rushes,
I have a heart to share
in song, in suffering
and with my daughter
but heres the mystery-
my heart is here
but no longer here too.
My heart undoubtedly
has left me
and is now with you.
Somehow I feel, I laugh,
the blood still rushes,
I have a heart to share
in song, in suffering
and with my daughter
but heres the mystery-
my heart is here
but no longer here too.
My heart undoubtedly
has left me
and is now with you.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Just Passing Through
There is no wood to chop today
There is no water to carry
So I scrub the greasy sausage slime
Sweep up the insects and mop
Singing tango tunes
Tears come and go
Exposed and vulnerable I may be
But today I practice what I preach
And it will all be different tomorrow
There is no water to carry
So I scrub the greasy sausage slime
Sweep up the insects and mop
Singing tango tunes
Tears come and go
Exposed and vulnerable I may be
But today I practice what I preach
And it will all be different tomorrow
Friday, December 3, 2010
Utterly Ridiculous
So you are awfully proud
of this new "development"
where in each flat
your chair vibrates
your dry cleaning is delivered
your arse wiped
with triple soft silk laden
toilet paper
oh what a lifestyle
at these riverside apartments!
So have you considered
why she
who works with the
sex workers, the addicts,
the homeless
and is alone
still has to wipe
her own arse,
pick up her own laundry
from the communal machine
and walk to work
if her pay is delayed?
Blow the fuse
stop the computers
all those IT
and marketing dudes
redundant
someone will still need
to wash the infirm
feed the starving
and rescue the children
Amazing development?
How ridiculous.
of this new "development"
where in each flat
your chair vibrates
your dry cleaning is delivered
your arse wiped
with triple soft silk laden
toilet paper
oh what a lifestyle
at these riverside apartments!
So have you considered
why she
who works with the
sex workers, the addicts,
the homeless
and is alone
still has to wipe
her own arse,
pick up her own laundry
from the communal machine
and walk to work
if her pay is delayed?
Blow the fuse
stop the computers
all those IT
and marketing dudes
redundant
someone will still need
to wash the infirm
feed the starving
and rescue the children
Amazing development?
How ridiculous.
A Little Glimpse
When the fog lifts,
When the guard falls,
At those times
I see clearly
You come into focus
You are sharp
and genuine
and some little voice says
trust him
may be you should
try to trust him
When the guard falls,
At those times
I see clearly
You come into focus
You are sharp
and genuine
and some little voice says
trust him
may be you should
try to trust him
Quoting G B Shaw
"Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything"
I am not done yet.
P.S. Note to self:
Change
In what has now become a "classic" of Gestalt therapy literature, Arnold Beisser described Gestalt's paradoxical theory of change. The paradox is that the more one attempts to be who one is not, the more one remains the same. Conversely, when people identify with their current experience, the conditions of wholeness and growth support change. Put another way, change comes about as a result of "full acceptance of what is, rather than a striving to be different". (Wikipedia, dont you just love the place!)
I am not done yet.
P.S. Note to self:
Change
In what has now become a "classic" of Gestalt therapy literature, Arnold Beisser described Gestalt's paradoxical theory of change. The paradox is that the more one attempts to be who one is not, the more one remains the same. Conversely, when people identify with their current experience, the conditions of wholeness and growth support change. Put another way, change comes about as a result of "full acceptance of what is, rather than a striving to be different". (Wikipedia, dont you just love the place!)
Lotu Tamaiti
I just like the name!
The White Sunday
the childrens' Sunday
unheard of
and still celebrated
a river of children
in white frocks
singing
reciting
trying to act
all eyes welling up
at this gathering
of angels
she tells me
and her face
is happiness
it is pride
and love
then she takes an extra blanket
and covers up
the frightened young girl
on the verandah.
Stay here til the morning
she says
you are safe.
Her heart aching.
The White Sunday
the childrens' Sunday
unheard of
and still celebrated
a river of children
in white frocks
singing
reciting
trying to act
all eyes welling up
at this gathering
of angels
she tells me
and her face
is happiness
it is pride
and love
then she takes an extra blanket
and covers up
the frightened young girl
on the verandah.
Stay here til the morning
she says
you are safe.
Her heart aching.
The Boat Men
All shapes and sizes
though mostly one colour
But funny
how you can always spot
a good father material.
Undoubtedly
absolutely
certainly
do it Dan!
though mostly one colour
But funny
how you can always spot
a good father material.
Undoubtedly
absolutely
certainly
do it Dan!
In Your Face
Take Christmas away
please
This man jumps
hoping to hit the deck
he misses
he is rescued
chinese girl not that lucky
or unlucky
whos to say?
More than many can bear
the hype doesnt help
the seasonal pictures
expectations
the whole card game
well you need an address
for starters
Normal products of
a sick society
they must wonder
how after eleven tortuous months
of vile in the headlines
this thing cooked
gets a frilly sugary topping
looking so good
so wholesome
so....beautiful
Normal products of
a sick society
they must wonder
will the lies ever end
so they decide
to end
Take Christmas away
please
keep your mass
and your wine
and your crib
and your bread
it will make for
a lovely intimate gathering
come out
where she picks up the guitar
and stands bold on the street,
singing:
"she calls out
to the man
on the street
Sir,
can you help me"...
please
This man jumps
hoping to hit the deck
he misses
he is rescued
chinese girl not that lucky
or unlucky
whos to say?
More than many can bear
the hype doesnt help
the seasonal pictures
expectations
the whole card game
well you need an address
for starters
Normal products of
a sick society
they must wonder
how after eleven tortuous months
of vile in the headlines
this thing cooked
gets a frilly sugary topping
looking so good
so wholesome
so....beautiful
Normal products of
a sick society
they must wonder
will the lies ever end
so they decide
to end
Take Christmas away
please
keep your mass
and your wine
and your crib
and your bread
it will make for
a lovely intimate gathering
come out
where she picks up the guitar
and stands bold on the street,
singing:
"she calls out
to the man
on the street
Sir,
can you help me"...
Decisions under Duress
It is around this time
and I should add "usually"-
seems that its becoming a regular-
that I decide
unbearable
this is unbearable
I just want to feel safe
and pain free
overall
whats the next step?
two roads diverged in the yellow wood
or may be more
or may be I am off the map
with this one
uncharted territory for me
or back to the hut
and I should add "usually"-
seems that its becoming a regular-
that I decide
unbearable
this is unbearable
I just want to feel safe
and pain free
overall
whats the next step?
two roads diverged in the yellow wood
or may be more
or may be I am off the map
with this one
uncharted territory for me
or back to the hut
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
My Million Dollar Question
So it still gets me
catches me by the back of my shirt
pushes me over
the sneaky dirty bastard
wispers in my bleeding ear:
Get down
and stay down
come on, give it up
you cant do it
you cant win
I will never leave you
I can do what I want
with you
and whats nearest
and dearest to you
and there will be nothing
you can do
as I destroy it
all
theres no point grasping around
you wont find it
stay down
give up
now now
give up now
Who is this?
catches me by the back of my shirt
pushes me over
the sneaky dirty bastard
wispers in my bleeding ear:
Get down
and stay down
come on, give it up
you cant do it
you cant win
I will never leave you
I can do what I want
with you
and whats nearest
and dearest to you
and there will be nothing
you can do
as I destroy it
all
theres no point grasping around
you wont find it
stay down
give up
now now
give up now
Who is this?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thank You Daniel, Thank You Byron Katie!
Spurred on by discord
I face another biggie...
Your constant reminders of
me being mentally ill,
unwell, broken, flawed...
I put those in your head
its just a handy time
to throw all them back at me.
So I cry and close my eyes
and I go back in
I find a monstrous
ghastly ugly thought,
a belief
that I AM fundamentally flawed
nothing I can do is right
because I am so primally wrong
a wrong doesnt make right
wrong only makes wrong
wrong decisions, wrong choices
chained to my flawed screw up
I am doomed
to continue like this
forever
She asks
is this really true?
Yes, it is true,
this is really how I fee
deep deep down in there
under everything else
then she asks
can you be absolutely sure
that this is true?
Byron Katie,
I celebrate your genuis!!!
I turn.
I am shocked.
What is true is
that I believe in my flawness
yes, that is beyond any doubt
always have
as long back as I can remember
until this very moment
but the FLAW itself...
I can not find it!!!
I can not find it!
It isnt there
back where I always believed it started
I am intact, perfect
I just am.
But now I see how A THOUGHT had started
A THOUGHT had survived
and lanscaped my inner world
fear being its most favourite tool
how much fear
a stupid amount of fear
feeding my thought...
And then she asks
while you hold that thought
what are you?
Dont trust myself
Confused
Frustrated
Scared
Indecisive
Full of doubt
And then she asks
what are you without it?
I guess I have to say
if this thought would never ever
enter me again...
Trust.
I would trust me
to know whats best for me
I would know
that I can make wholesome choices
harmonious even.
I would be more bold
at making decisions
and I would do away with doubt
or a huge chunk of it
keeping some
like a chewing gum
handy when I need to stall:)
Freedom.
I gain more freedom
as this space inside
lets go.
Thank You
You are my best teachers.
I face another biggie...
Your constant reminders of
me being mentally ill,
unwell, broken, flawed...
I put those in your head
its just a handy time
to throw all them back at me.
So I cry and close my eyes
and I go back in
I find a monstrous
ghastly ugly thought,
a belief
that I AM fundamentally flawed
nothing I can do is right
because I am so primally wrong
a wrong doesnt make right
wrong only makes wrong
wrong decisions, wrong choices
chained to my flawed screw up
I am doomed
to continue like this
forever
She asks
is this really true?
Yes, it is true,
this is really how I fee
deep deep down in there
under everything else
then she asks
can you be absolutely sure
that this is true?
Byron Katie,
I celebrate your genuis!!!
I turn.
I am shocked.
What is true is
that I believe in my flawness
yes, that is beyond any doubt
always have
as long back as I can remember
until this very moment
but the FLAW itself...
I can not find it!!!
I can not find it!
It isnt there
back where I always believed it started
I am intact, perfect
I just am.
But now I see how A THOUGHT had started
A THOUGHT had survived
and lanscaped my inner world
fear being its most favourite tool
how much fear
a stupid amount of fear
feeding my thought...
And then she asks
while you hold that thought
what are you?
Dont trust myself
Confused
Frustrated
Scared
Indecisive
Full of doubt
And then she asks
what are you without it?
I guess I have to say
if this thought would never ever
enter me again...
Trust.
I would trust me
to know whats best for me
I would know
that I can make wholesome choices
harmonious even.
I would be more bold
at making decisions
and I would do away with doubt
or a huge chunk of it
keeping some
like a chewing gum
handy when I need to stall:)
Freedom.
I gain more freedom
as this space inside
lets go.
Thank You
You are my best teachers.
Everyone is pissed off
Its good to have you here
in my face
dont you let me forget
that I am human
weak at times
make wrong choices at times
cry too much at times
drink too much
rarely
but with gusto and force
like everything I do
Thank You.
I shouldnt forget
in my face
dont you let me forget
that I am human
weak at times
make wrong choices at times
cry too much at times
drink too much
rarely
but with gusto and force
like everything I do
Thank You.
I shouldnt forget
I've Got a Plan
When you're here
We've got a lot to get through.
All my outfits I will wear
- the strapless cocktail dress
with last minute straps
(no chance of a fashion faux pas there)
- my airy new turquise skirt
perfect for groping my thighs
- the hot pants with my new tight top
hugging my breasts and my waist
tight like you should
all for you to unwrap me
after we've
ridden our bikes along Brisbane River
taken the night boat,
kissing all the way from St Lucia to Bulimba,
danced at the jazz club
been to Metro Arts
disturbed the possums at the Botanical Gardens
crossed all the bridges illuminated
climbed those Morton Bay figs
got sick on the swing
said our prayers and made our wishes
may be even at the Drive In
You should unwrap me
this gift so willing to go
so overdue...
We've got a lot to get through.
All my outfits I will wear
- the strapless cocktail dress
with last minute straps
(no chance of a fashion faux pas there)
- my airy new turquise skirt
perfect for groping my thighs
- the hot pants with my new tight top
hugging my breasts and my waist
tight like you should
all for you to unwrap me
after we've
ridden our bikes along Brisbane River
taken the night boat,
kissing all the way from St Lucia to Bulimba,
danced at the jazz club
been to Metro Arts
disturbed the possums at the Botanical Gardens
crossed all the bridges illuminated
climbed those Morton Bay figs
got sick on the swing
said our prayers and made our wishes
may be even at the Drive In
You should unwrap me
this gift so willing to go
so overdue...
Proof
If a proof of love, deep love, pure love
Was needed
What proof would ever suffice,
Would convince,
Would last?
Only this:
Chipping away at my own little ego
In small portions,
vulnerable and courageous.
Giving to You in bliss
Gifting You with
food, shelter, warmth, intimacy, freedom
necessary for your growth.
And this- every day!
Its a mammouth mountain to climb
But the gains are in giving.
And so the only way to be
and love.
Me Your meditation.
And yes I worship You.
Was needed
What proof would ever suffice,
Would convince,
Would last?
Only this:
Chipping away at my own little ego
In small portions,
vulnerable and courageous.
Giving to You in bliss
Gifting You with
food, shelter, warmth, intimacy, freedom
necessary for your growth.
And this- every day!
Its a mammouth mountain to climb
But the gains are in giving.
And so the only way to be
and love.
Me Your meditation.
And yes I worship You.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Thought of the day
I can not be trusted.
Do not trust me.
Whoever you are
whatever you want
do not trust me.
I havent learnt
to trust myself yet
so dont flatter me
there really are things
I am shit at
Do not trust me.
Whoever you are
whatever you want
do not trust me.
I havent learnt
to trust myself yet
so dont flatter me
there really are things
I am shit at
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Affinity
I have always thought of the wind
as naughty
and playful
and lucky
Who else gets to go everywhere,
under mens coats
under girls skirts
caressing all those legs
into the homes
occassionally breaking cups
but without blame
kissing faces
ruffling hair
carrying birds
disturbing souls with its moaning
making me tremble
wide eyed, terrified
and excited
when I hear it angry
blowing its own release about,
saving souls with its cool
dressing up in the perfumes
of its own choosing
depending on mood
toying with lovers
and occassionally
getting in-between
like noone else can
Long standing
is my affinity
with the Wind
Lucky thing
as naughty
and playful
and lucky
Who else gets to go everywhere,
under mens coats
under girls skirts
caressing all those legs
into the homes
occassionally breaking cups
but without blame
kissing faces
ruffling hair
carrying birds
disturbing souls with its moaning
making me tremble
wide eyed, terrified
and excited
when I hear it angry
blowing its own release about,
saving souls with its cool
dressing up in the perfumes
of its own choosing
depending on mood
toying with lovers
and occassionally
getting in-between
like noone else can
Long standing
is my affinity
with the Wind
Lucky thing
Friday, November 26, 2010
Enlightened Under a Frangipani Tree
Pondering a tree from where I lie
It has been here for a good while
A mature tree one might call it
If you trust the appearances
Hopeless to explain or understand
How each of those branches started
What impulse brought them forward
Twisted, stretched and thwarted
Thankfully I havent yet heard of
Tree Therapy, though thats not to say
Someone somewhere isnt doing it
Matching the weather patterns and shoots
A million branches, some old and some new
Some dead, home for bees,
Others luscious, others simply plain
Complex, so complex is a tree
And then this liberating thought strikes me
A human being surely is even more complex
than a tree On so many levels
This thought sets me free!
No amount of analysis
Can ever fully explain me!
Let the sun and the wind take care of growing me
And when all my breathing will be done
I will fall over
And caterpillars will make their coccoons
in my dry bones
and release colourful butterflies
It has been here for a good while
A mature tree one might call it
If you trust the appearances
Hopeless to explain or understand
How each of those branches started
What impulse brought them forward
Twisted, stretched and thwarted
Thankfully I havent yet heard of
Tree Therapy, though thats not to say
Someone somewhere isnt doing it
Matching the weather patterns and shoots
A million branches, some old and some new
Some dead, home for bees,
Others luscious, others simply plain
Complex, so complex is a tree
And then this liberating thought strikes me
A human being surely is even more complex
than a tree On so many levels
This thought sets me free!
No amount of analysis
Can ever fully explain me!
Let the sun and the wind take care of growing me
And when all my breathing will be done
I will fall over
And caterpillars will make their coccoons
in my dry bones
and release colourful butterflies
In Weakness and Strength
I think now I see
The way you got in
Through the back door,
through my weakness
got embedded in there
like a necessary part of
my inner processes.
Good times were scary
relaxing only
when its called
holiday.
Strong times- fascinating!
but frightening
without a part to play
you watched suspicious
and awe-struck
In sickness and health
well, that can be hard
but in weakness and strength
a lot more common a task
A new concept is trialled
its called trusting the other
in weakness
holding out the hand
and not carrying
in strength
holding out the hand
and celebrating
not withdrawing
Looking in my heart I know
it is possible to adore
in both
as long as there is
plenty of courage,
a wonderful
uncelebrated
aphrodisiac!
The way you got in
Through the back door,
through my weakness
got embedded in there
like a necessary part of
my inner processes.
Good times were scary
relaxing only
when its called
holiday.
Strong times- fascinating!
but frightening
without a part to play
you watched suspicious
and awe-struck
In sickness and health
well, that can be hard
but in weakness and strength
a lot more common a task
A new concept is trialled
its called trusting the other
in weakness
holding out the hand
and not carrying
in strength
holding out the hand
and celebrating
not withdrawing
Looking in my heart I know
it is possible to adore
in both
as long as there is
plenty of courage,
a wonderful
uncelebrated
aphrodisiac!
Total Meltdown Here
Word by word and with some jazz in it
My naughty wanting strokes your wide chest
A finger plays slowly
I kiss your nipple
You run your fingers through my hair
You pull a little
I am all electric
My neck begs for your lips and your tongue
I have no more knees or arms or legs
for that matter
I am a snake curling and twisting around you
and you kiss me into you
and you trust me
and you thrust into me
and you melt into me
and I melt
and we are golden
molten
hot and sweaty
with love
My naughty wanting strokes your wide chest
A finger plays slowly
I kiss your nipple
You run your fingers through my hair
You pull a little
I am all electric
My neck begs for your lips and your tongue
I have no more knees or arms or legs
for that matter
I am a snake curling and twisting around you
and you kiss me into you
and you trust me
and you thrust into me
and you melt into me
and I melt
and we are golden
molten
hot and sweaty
with love
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Most Tenderness
She is so little
And with her little hands
She strokes my heart
She wipes my tears
And with her little words
She says dont cry Mummy
Stop crying Mummy
And with her little body
She hugs me and holds on
She tries to understand
And with her little smile
She says Is it better Mummy?
Much much better?
You bet my Darling.
You bet.
And with her little hands
She strokes my heart
She wipes my tears
And with her little words
She says dont cry Mummy
Stop crying Mummy
And with her little body
She hugs me and holds on
She tries to understand
And with her little smile
She says Is it better Mummy?
Much much better?
You bet my Darling.
You bet.
Beautiful Reality
I get back up
I think my face is bleeding
where it hit
the tarmac of reality.
Merciless
it stares into me
saying
This is it!
Beautiful
it is so very simple
more free
more real and without pretence
tiring
once you've been gutted
and left exposed
We're in a church
He starts to cry
uncontrollably
All this wetness
from his eyes, his mouth,
his nose
and no tissues
and a plea
Please please tell me
you are an Angel
come to say
I can wake up now
and my Mum will be back?
Disturbing
is reality
sometimes.
Examine it closely
or walk right on
you still need to breathe
and it flows easy.
Sometimes.
I think my face is bleeding
where it hit
the tarmac of reality.
Merciless
it stares into me
saying
This is it!
Beautiful
it is so very simple
more free
more real and without pretence
tiring
once you've been gutted
and left exposed
We're in a church
He starts to cry
uncontrollably
All this wetness
from his eyes, his mouth,
his nose
and no tissues
and a plea
Please please tell me
you are an Angel
come to say
I can wake up now
and my Mum will be back?
Disturbing
is reality
sometimes.
Examine it closely
or walk right on
you still need to breathe
and it flows easy.
Sometimes.
Friday, November 19, 2010
A Spiritual Feeling
A feeling
vague, slippery, airy like incense smoke
here now and air the moment after
A feeling
at odds with my desire, laughs at my desire
blows through my desire, says its impermanent
A feeling
permanent like air, elusive like an animal
permeating like anima, here now but gone again
A feeling
no matter how hard I hold on to you, make you mine
it is bigger, a lot bigger and permanent
but nothing to touch.
vague, slippery, airy like incense smoke
here now and air the moment after
A feeling
at odds with my desire, laughs at my desire
blows through my desire, says its impermanent
A feeling
permanent like air, elusive like an animal
permeating like anima, here now but gone again
A feeling
no matter how hard I hold on to you, make you mine
it is bigger, a lot bigger and permanent
but nothing to touch.
Vow of Silence
Restraint
she says
gives you that space
she says
that space
she says
where truth can be observed
and
love can be applied
with Will
Non-action
she says
requires more at times
than action
and dont we all know it!
The Truth
she says
is different for everyone
so which Truth
she says
will you speak?
Choose wisely
she says.
Lacking wisdom
a vow of silence
preferable.
Be still.
Listen.
Be still.
Be silent.
Dont rush it.
Truth
reveals.
she says
gives you that space
she says
that space
she says
where truth can be observed
and
love can be applied
with Will
Non-action
she says
requires more at times
than action
and dont we all know it!
The Truth
she says
is different for everyone
so which Truth
she says
will you speak?
Choose wisely
she says.
Lacking wisdom
a vow of silence
preferable.
Be still.
Listen.
Be still.
Be silent.
Dont rush it.
Truth
reveals.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Without a Doubt
The rainforest sunrise
before traffic wakes
I am thinking of You
(Always thinking of You)
Morton Bay Figs
hugging and climbing
I am thinking of You
(Always thinking of You)
Still of the night
in my secret garden
I'm thinking of You
(Still thinking of You)
In the landscape of my poems
in the visions of my dreams
Always talking to You
I'm still talking to You
Every tormented day and night
and all of my life
Wanting You
Only wanting You.
before traffic wakes
I am thinking of You
(Always thinking of You)
Morton Bay Figs
hugging and climbing
I am thinking of You
(Always thinking of You)
Still of the night
in my secret garden
I'm thinking of You
(Still thinking of You)
In the landscape of my poems
in the visions of my dreams
Always talking to You
I'm still talking to You
Every tormented day and night
and all of my life
Wanting You
Only wanting You.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Gratitude
Always doubted
the lasting value of insights
but they seem handy
there and then
when a decision needs to be made.
Hindsight in advance
being impossible
I know
saying that this pain
might turn out good for me
achieves nothing.
And so we live
hopefully
from a challenge
to a challenge
brave at times
to decide.
But gratitude
is different.
Gratitude makes everything
absolutely everything
better.
Calling for perspective
irks some.
But gratitude is different.
Grateful
that I am not being shot at
as my heart bleeds metaphorically.
Grateful
that I dont have to beg
when I'm leaving a home behind.
Grateful
for that earthquake that is You
bringing my world crashing down
spurring me on to rediscover what matters.
No matter what happens.
Gratitude.
Because it is true.
So I dye my hair orange
wash the walls
and say Thank You.
But go on Hoping.
the lasting value of insights
but they seem handy
there and then
when a decision needs to be made.
Hindsight in advance
being impossible
I know
saying that this pain
might turn out good for me
achieves nothing.
And so we live
hopefully
from a challenge
to a challenge
brave at times
to decide.
But gratitude
is different.
Gratitude makes everything
absolutely everything
better.
Calling for perspective
irks some.
But gratitude is different.
Grateful
that I am not being shot at
as my heart bleeds metaphorically.
Grateful
that I dont have to beg
when I'm leaving a home behind.
Grateful
for that earthquake that is You
bringing my world crashing down
spurring me on to rediscover what matters.
No matter what happens.
Gratitude.
Because it is true.
So I dye my hair orange
wash the walls
and say Thank You.
But go on Hoping.
My Ship
I finally get it
all those analogies
about holding that ship steady,
the winds, waves and the storms...
Not an easy skill
but getting better with time
and practice.
Each time
I get blown away
and return,
finding that ship
still intact!
A scratch here or there
a delusion lighter
a mistake lighter
a hurt lighter
and intact
just lighter
and easier to steer.
Glad I am capable
momentarily
of the most noble
selfless
unconditional
but always thrown off course
like a rag
dont expect this
every day,
not even all day,
not even
a moment
after this moment.
All the best
and all the worst
is all in me.
Oscillating
in between
right now
like never before.
This is how I expand,
pushing my limits,
exceeding them
again and again
and shocking myself.
I guess I am versatile.
Unpredictable.
Capable of much
or less than human.
And still that ship sails
intact.
This is a miracle.
I have a home after all.
all those analogies
about holding that ship steady,
the winds, waves and the storms...
Not an easy skill
but getting better with time
and practice.
Each time
I get blown away
and return,
finding that ship
still intact!
A scratch here or there
a delusion lighter
a mistake lighter
a hurt lighter
and intact
just lighter
and easier to steer.
Glad I am capable
momentarily
of the most noble
selfless
unconditional
but always thrown off course
like a rag
dont expect this
every day,
not even all day,
not even
a moment
after this moment.
All the best
and all the worst
is all in me.
Oscillating
in between
right now
like never before.
This is how I expand,
pushing my limits,
exceeding them
again and again
and shocking myself.
I guess I am versatile.
Unpredictable.
Capable of much
or less than human.
And still that ship sails
intact.
This is a miracle.
I have a home after all.
Heavy Heart
As the walls get bare
the emptiness grows
Trying with all my might
to hold on
to my strong self
Trying with all I have
to hold back
the bereavement
of this double loss...
Failing
minute after minute
with moments of clarity
in between.
I beg for amnesia
This week never happened
I beg to wake
to my new self
surfing
balancing still
in the Tree pose
spinning the hoola hoop
belly dancing
back
in love and life.
But this week is determined
to crawl like a snail
over shards of glass
calling for surrender.
How do you know
you dont need it
she asks
Because you dont have it!
Struggling to get my head around that one
I surrender
to what is
and what isnt.
And ponder
the absurdity of
how what isnt
can hurt more than that
what is.
the emptiness grows
Trying with all my might
to hold on
to my strong self
Trying with all I have
to hold back
the bereavement
of this double loss...
Failing
minute after minute
with moments of clarity
in between.
I beg for amnesia
This week never happened
I beg to wake
to my new self
surfing
balancing still
in the Tree pose
spinning the hoola hoop
belly dancing
back
in love and life.
But this week is determined
to crawl like a snail
over shards of glass
calling for surrender.
How do you know
you dont need it
she asks
Because you dont have it!
Struggling to get my head around that one
I surrender
to what is
and what isnt.
And ponder
the absurdity of
how what isnt
can hurt more than that
what is.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
To Remember Nonna, Gabit and Raya
Trying to sum up
the essence of this people
Overwhelms me
Proud people
expecting much from themselves
taking care of own integrity
too much pressure a little misguided
Emotional people
much stronger than they think
not sure they're allowed to feel
like they do
A strong sense of community
An instant bond
over language and memories
true brothers and sisters
ask for anything
They go straight to the core
and the moment is alive
in the best way
that humanity can do it.
They walk away holding hands
this Mother and her Son
and I cry
loving those Eastern Europeans.
the essence of this people
Overwhelms me
Proud people
expecting much from themselves
taking care of own integrity
too much pressure a little misguided
Emotional people
much stronger than they think
not sure they're allowed to feel
like they do
A strong sense of community
An instant bond
over language and memories
true brothers and sisters
ask for anything
They go straight to the core
and the moment is alive
in the best way
that humanity can do it.
They walk away holding hands
this Mother and her Son
and I cry
loving those Eastern Europeans.
Letting The Inside Go
There is filth in these old boxes
Clothes and photos without a home
Left behind and forgotten
Rotting
Lifting the lid
I let go
Listening to the mother
shes stuck in self pity
angry and scared
and blind
I let go
Putting the milk away
Saying Thank You
I let go
Writing
with heart at my fingertips
I let go
Stepping outside
I let go
of the inside
Empty in between both
when I succeed.
Clothes and photos without a home
Left behind and forgotten
Rotting
Lifting the lid
I let go
Listening to the mother
shes stuck in self pity
angry and scared
and blind
I let go
Putting the milk away
Saying Thank You
I let go
Writing
with heart at my fingertips
I let go
Stepping outside
I let go
of the inside
Empty in between both
when I succeed.
So Many Tears
How everything hurts
So many tears
released
over starting over ending
over meeting over parting
over old and over new
over him and over You
over or through
released
and one can still
be gentle
So many tears
released
over starting over ending
over meeting over parting
over old and over new
over him and over You
over or through
released
and one can still
be gentle
Garden Tears
This garden is so hard to leave
Here are the beds that grew
my peas and my beans
Here the climbing passionfruit vine
Here is the step
I've sat on
so many evenings
breathing love
growing dreams
looking up at the same Moon
that you see
Lying in the hammock
I sway
I am away
with the wind
and the peace
and the crows
that used to drive me mad
My heart aches for the crows
and a place of my own
and a garden
like a house
only outdoors
Here are the beds that grew
my peas and my beans
Here the climbing passionfruit vine
Here is the step
I've sat on
so many evenings
breathing love
growing dreams
looking up at the same Moon
that you see
Lying in the hammock
I sway
I am away
with the wind
and the peace
and the crows
that used to drive me mad
My heart aches for the crows
and a place of my own
and a garden
like a house
only outdoors
Friday, November 12, 2010
Love me
Reaching out
to make contact
in times of war
in mental asylums
in refugee camps
in sickness
no time to waste
courting
flirting
dating
down to basics
fucking
and making love
I would too
What else could
Bring one home
quicker?
This to me
says the most
about love.
to make contact
in times of war
in mental asylums
in refugee camps
in sickness
no time to waste
courting
flirting
dating
down to basics
fucking
and making love
I would too
What else could
Bring one home
quicker?
This to me
says the most
about love.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
My Male Friend
The importance
of my male friends
really mustnt be
underappreciated.
They've done the leaving
they've done the divorcing
they have a very
very good perspective.
A hallmark of a true friend
trusting
that you can handle
the difficult
the confronting
advice.
of my male friends
really mustnt be
underappreciated.
They've done the leaving
they've done the divorcing
they have a very
very good perspective.
A hallmark of a true friend
trusting
that you can handle
the difficult
the confronting
advice.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This is It
My sadness
My tears
My weakness
My mutness
My shock
My flatness
My acceptance
My gratitude
My request
Deeply authentic
My tears
My weakness
My mutness
My shock
My flatness
My acceptance
My gratitude
My request
Deeply authentic
A Psychosurgical Incision, Miranda
This is important
An incision was made
and I lay here
letting it ooze out
Its like this:
He might leave me
If he connects to her deeply he will leave my life
Implications being that love and connection will leave my life
I will be alone
It is scary to allow your closest person be with others on a deep level
and then BOOM!!!
HE MAY DECIDE THAT I AM INADEQUATE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT CLEVER ENOUGH, NOT FUN ENOUGH!
Could it be that
I might decide that he is not adequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough?
Or:
I might decide that I am inadequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough!
I am inadequate.
oh God
for 8 years I have
tortured a man
driving him to feel
more and more inadequate
all run by my own
deep sense of
inadequacy.
It is a phantom thought,
one that right now,
in the moment
I do not believe
but one that
has invaded my every cell,
affected my every action
and hit me in the gut
over and over
enjoying its own strength.
To simply say
it is not true
is not enough.
To see how it makes me
squirm, please, sweat,
run, avoid, bully and abuse
is not enough.
To let go
is almost impossible.
For if I no longer believe
I am inadequate
I have no more excuse
to act like one.
I see it clearly.
It doesnt want to leave!
So I close my eyes
I face it
It is everywhere
I go back in time
I see the little girl me
and how
day after day
for years
for many many lonely years
no matter what she does
no matter how she tries
she can not get
her Mother to love her,
to consistently enough show
that she is loved,
not even as much
as confidence
in being liked!
Inadequate- obviously!
I hold that little girl
while the rivers of tears run
and I say Yes, Yes,
I see it
and I accept
I accept over and over
this perfect little girl
cut to the core
something deflates
I sit with it
and I thank us all.
An incision was made
and I lay here
letting it ooze out
Its like this:
He might leave me
If he connects to her deeply he will leave my life
Implications being that love and connection will leave my life
I will be alone
It is scary to allow your closest person be with others on a deep level
and then BOOM!!!
HE MAY DECIDE THAT I AM INADEQUATE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT CLEVER ENOUGH, NOT FUN ENOUGH!
Could it be that
I might decide that he is not adequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough?
Or:
I might decide that I am inadequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough!
I am inadequate.
oh God
for 8 years I have
tortured a man
driving him to feel
more and more inadequate
all run by my own
deep sense of
inadequacy.
It is a phantom thought,
one that right now,
in the moment
I do not believe
but one that
has invaded my every cell,
affected my every action
and hit me in the gut
over and over
enjoying its own strength.
To simply say
it is not true
is not enough.
To see how it makes me
squirm, please, sweat,
run, avoid, bully and abuse
is not enough.
To let go
is almost impossible.
For if I no longer believe
I am inadequate
I have no more excuse
to act like one.
I see it clearly.
It doesnt want to leave!
So I close my eyes
I face it
It is everywhere
I go back in time
I see the little girl me
and how
day after day
for years
for many many lonely years
no matter what she does
no matter how she tries
she can not get
her Mother to love her,
to consistently enough show
that she is loved,
not even as much
as confidence
in being liked!
Inadequate- obviously!
I hold that little girl
while the rivers of tears run
and I say Yes, Yes,
I see it
and I accept
I accept over and over
this perfect little girl
cut to the core
something deflates
I sit with it
and I thank us all.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Not Long Now
Remembering
my teacher
making me jump
those low low jumps
that only an obsessed
martial arts fanatic can come up with
over and over again
it is not over yet
you can do more
lower, you must go lower
another round
dont stop keep going
you've got more
lower, you can do lower
never been a woman of strength
I cry
I am so sorry for myself
I want to stop
I have stopped
in my head
a long time ago
They say if you break through
this pain barrier
you find more strength
Never really mastered that one
got my epidural after
all two days of trying
I say to myself
Every lesson ends
some time.
my teacher
making me jump
those low low jumps
that only an obsessed
martial arts fanatic can come up with
over and over again
it is not over yet
you can do more
lower, you must go lower
another round
dont stop keep going
you've got more
lower, you can do lower
never been a woman of strength
I cry
I am so sorry for myself
I want to stop
I have stopped
in my head
a long time ago
They say if you break through
this pain barrier
you find more strength
Never really mastered that one
got my epidural after
all two days of trying
I say to myself
Every lesson ends
some time.
An Ordinary Day
Its not every day
That you disconnect phone accounts
Choose a new gas supplier
Sell a piano
Discuss your marriage
Tell someone close
that love has gone
But the little girl
with the sea colour eyes
Still wants a playground
Makes you climb ropes
Tumbles and falls
Kisses your nose
Making it an ordinary day
And such a good one.
That you disconnect phone accounts
Choose a new gas supplier
Sell a piano
Discuss your marriage
Tell someone close
that love has gone
But the little girl
with the sea colour eyes
Still wants a playground
Makes you climb ropes
Tumbles and falls
Kisses your nose
Making it an ordinary day
And such a good one.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Enough
lets check out of this rehab.
lets get a graph done for days spent
on planet White Light
and on planet Earth
and have a good laugh
about it all
lets get back to the business
of being me.
lets get a graph done for days spent
on planet White Light
and on planet Earth
and have a good laugh
about it all
lets get back to the business
of being me.
A Spiritual Hangover
What the hell did I take last night?
It blew my mind,
It blew me up
Into the white light
Far out!
I return to Earth
with my spiritual hangover
Oh shit
It blew my mind,
It blew me up
Into the white light
Far out!
I return to Earth
with my spiritual hangover
Oh shit
Friday, November 5, 2010
How I've Come About- Its Mystical
When you challenged me
With poetry
Something stirred
When you opened your inside
And revealed
The stirring grew
When I gave myself to you
A bond was sealed
A dance began
And it is a powerful dance
With each move
Perfectly synchronised
I started to be exposed,
Driven to get exposed,
Held by you
It started with passion,
Glimpses of Unconditional,
Then the whole lot
Came to be seen-
Fear, Insecurity, Doubt, Cowardice, Selfishness, Weakness,
The emptiness inside
Now
I have quaked
I have erupted
I have collapsed
What stood here before
Is rubble
House of phantoms it had been
Anyway
Fear lived in each room
False beliefs like screens
on the windows
And nothing
What it seems
I look over the empty
with relief
Difficult I realise
Doesnt equate unpleasant
It is what it is
And why should it be
any other?
Nature is unstoppable
I will grow back
But choose courage over fear
every time
And remember that
Loving You
Is Loving
Is Being
Grace
And you see,
This is why
I want you in my life
You keep revealing me
And all that matters...
I still dont know
Which way I am growing
But I know this-
Where I am
Is the only place
I can possibly be.
My best place.
You're welcome
to join me.
With poetry
Something stirred
When you opened your inside
And revealed
The stirring grew
When I gave myself to you
A bond was sealed
A dance began
And it is a powerful dance
With each move
Perfectly synchronised
I started to be exposed,
Driven to get exposed,
Held by you
It started with passion,
Glimpses of Unconditional,
Then the whole lot
Came to be seen-
Fear, Insecurity, Doubt, Cowardice, Selfishness, Weakness,
The emptiness inside
Now
I have quaked
I have erupted
I have collapsed
What stood here before
Is rubble
House of phantoms it had been
Anyway
Fear lived in each room
False beliefs like screens
on the windows
And nothing
What it seems
I look over the empty
with relief
Difficult I realise
Doesnt equate unpleasant
It is what it is
And why should it be
any other?
Nature is unstoppable
I will grow back
But choose courage over fear
every time
And remember that
Loving You
Is Loving
Is Being
Grace
And you see,
This is why
I want you in my life
You keep revealing me
And all that matters...
I still dont know
Which way I am growing
But I know this-
Where I am
Is the only place
I can possibly be.
My best place.
You're welcome
to join me.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Home Truths
Who am I
And what do I do?
I look
But only find
inadequacies
lack
lack
and lack
my cowardice
cornered
spotlight burning
this is all I find
at least
I am all illuminated
And what do I do?
I look
But only find
inadequacies
lack
lack
and lack
my cowardice
cornered
spotlight burning
this is all I find
at least
I am all illuminated
On Challenges
"If only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now seems to us the most alien will become what we trust and find most faithful"
- Rainer Maria Rilke
I did have easy years
many beautiful easy years
In fact clung onto them
refusing to let go
until my world
and reality
started to be
two different places.
And I didnt want to be
in either.
Entering a new age
I have joy
but not the easy.
Easy really seems to have
gone for good.
No, I am still on that treshold
sulking.
Thats the honest truth.
- Rainer Maria Rilke
I did have easy years
many beautiful easy years
In fact clung onto them
refusing to let go
until my world
and reality
started to be
two different places.
And I didnt want to be
in either.
Entering a new age
I have joy
but not the easy.
Easy really seems to have
gone for good.
No, I am still on that treshold
sulking.
Thats the honest truth.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Strong Women
The lights go down
there is a woman
in a hula hoop.
Music, her body,
her distressed face
her night clothes
her breasts loosely covered
hopelessly hanging
and that hoop
tell a story
"You cant break that
which isnt yours"
something devastating
has happened here
we all shiver
The bellydancer
with a tree on her back
The juggler
with water for hands
That hula hoop pair
with arms of steel-
strong women
free in expression
versatile
I might not have
the right words
at the right time
but I sure can clap
with my hands numb
Breathing in Life.
there is a woman
in a hula hoop.
Music, her body,
her distressed face
her night clothes
her breasts loosely covered
hopelessly hanging
and that hoop
tell a story
"You cant break that
which isnt yours"
something devastating
has happened here
we all shiver
The bellydancer
with a tree on her back
The juggler
with water for hands
That hula hoop pair
with arms of steel-
strong women
free in expression
versatile
I might not have
the right words
at the right time
but I sure can clap
with my hands numb
Breathing in Life.
Monday, November 1, 2010
On Marriage and Love
I have a friend
a gorgeous european girl
around thirty
she has a little girl
like a princess
she is 3 years old.
And she has an ex
a nasty piece of work
by my standards
My european friend
has fallen in love
with this guy
married
around fourty
and main carer
of 3 gorgeous boys
4, 6 and 8 they are.
And he has fallen for her
utterly
madly
marriage having been
dead and a pain for the last year or two
he still offered his wife
a chance to go talk to someone
see if it could be rescued
she refused
its been 2 months
they're at the lawyers
turns out theres such a thing
as a parenting plan!
stipulating how many days and nights
whos got who
come what time
leave what time
even psychologists advice
on how to introduce
my friend to the older boys!
For crying out loud
they're even talking
having a child together
quick bfore he's too old
and-YES!-
he has to reverse his
vasectomy!
WOW...
Luck has nothing to do with it.
My friend is beautiful
and she deserves the best!
And a lot can be said
for timing.
Perfect timing.
She says someone has lied.
I say I need evening classes
in self respect.
And timing.
I am happy for my friend
as I scrub myself
inside and out.
Take what you will from this,
preferably dont take
anything at all.
Still-
a true story.
a gorgeous european girl
around thirty
she has a little girl
like a princess
she is 3 years old.
And she has an ex
a nasty piece of work
by my standards
My european friend
has fallen in love
with this guy
married
around fourty
and main carer
of 3 gorgeous boys
4, 6 and 8 they are.
And he has fallen for her
utterly
madly
marriage having been
dead and a pain for the last year or two
he still offered his wife
a chance to go talk to someone
see if it could be rescued
she refused
its been 2 months
they're at the lawyers
turns out theres such a thing
as a parenting plan!
stipulating how many days and nights
whos got who
come what time
leave what time
even psychologists advice
on how to introduce
my friend to the older boys!
For crying out loud
they're even talking
having a child together
quick bfore he's too old
and-YES!-
he has to reverse his
vasectomy!
WOW...
Luck has nothing to do with it.
My friend is beautiful
and she deserves the best!
And a lot can be said
for timing.
Perfect timing.
She says someone has lied.
I say I need evening classes
in self respect.
And timing.
I am happy for my friend
as I scrub myself
inside and out.
Take what you will from this,
preferably dont take
anything at all.
Still-
a true story.
On Loving
Undeniably
we are all a mixed bag
My Father a coward
hasnt spoken to his son
for over twenty years
Not separated by concentration camps
or adoption
or arrest
no- in ordinary life
with channels of communication
to choose from
Yet can you discard a man
for a fault
even if a major one?
Do that and you will never see
the humour, hard work,
genius, ideas, caring
and love
that cohabit
with cowardice
A young Mother
in tears
He needs more discipline
No, you're too tough on him!
Oh, I dont want my boy
to be the worst behaved kid
in the class!
This the bully-
strokes his sister's head
kisses the girlfriends
hugs me
and shares his meals
even Lego!
A mixed bag from beginning to end.
Look for flaws
and you'll find flaws.
Love the goodness
and expand the good.
Simple enough.
But who has all the love and courage
to look at us this way?
we are all a mixed bag
My Father a coward
hasnt spoken to his son
for over twenty years
Not separated by concentration camps
or adoption
or arrest
no- in ordinary life
with channels of communication
to choose from
Yet can you discard a man
for a fault
even if a major one?
Do that and you will never see
the humour, hard work,
genius, ideas, caring
and love
that cohabit
with cowardice
A young Mother
in tears
He needs more discipline
No, you're too tough on him!
Oh, I dont want my boy
to be the worst behaved kid
in the class!
This the bully-
strokes his sister's head
kisses the girlfriends
hugs me
and shares his meals
even Lego!
A mixed bag from beginning to end.
Look for flaws
and you'll find flaws.
Love the goodness
and expand the good.
Simple enough.
But who has all the love and courage
to look at us this way?
On Human Nature
So stubborness irks us because we can not budge
So cowardice makes us feel weak as we can not speak up
So anger enrages
Control infuriates
Criticism is completely unjustified
(when received of course!)
This crisis is a goldmine.
Looking in the mirror
and this time
Narcissus is nowhere to be seen.
So cowardice makes us feel weak as we can not speak up
So anger enrages
Control infuriates
Criticism is completely unjustified
(when received of course!)
This crisis is a goldmine.
Looking in the mirror
and this time
Narcissus is nowhere to be seen.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
A Timely Reminder
only myself to shame
only myself to blame
mysterious as life is
only my own choices to claim
my own anger
my own tears
my own feelings
my own fears
my mistakes
my lessons
my hearthbreaks
my acceptance
Guilty as charged.
only myself to blame
mysterious as life is
only my own choices to claim
my own anger
my own tears
my own feelings
my own fears
my mistakes
my lessons
my hearthbreaks
my acceptance
Guilty as charged.
True feelings today
It is raining
Not the torrential washout
But soft and warm
like tears
Pondering
living with cowardice
living with resignation
one can make a good, GOOD lie
ups meant to say life
But cowardly decisions
so corrosive
Resignation
dead and breathless
What grows in that garden?
It is indeed
through interaction with others
that I am revealed
wants
strengths
and weaknesses.
Bloody marvelous!
Not the torrential washout
But soft and warm
like tears
Pondering
living with cowardice
living with resignation
one can make a good, GOOD lie
ups meant to say life
But cowardly decisions
so corrosive
Resignation
dead and breathless
What grows in that garden?
It is indeed
through interaction with others
that I am revealed
wants
strengths
and weaknesses.
Bloody marvelous!
Empty
Empty where there were ideals
Empty where dreams once woke
Empty where there was an 8pm phone call
Emptier still where there were words
Empty skin were there was a lover
Empty where hand is held out
Empty ears waiting for voice
Emptiness in all this noise
Empty like at the end of my out breath
It is a potent time
Time to inhale
Inhale
Life
Empty where dreams once woke
Empty where there was an 8pm phone call
Emptier still where there were words
Empty skin were there was a lover
Empty where hand is held out
Empty ears waiting for voice
Emptiness in all this noise
Empty like at the end of my out breath
It is a potent time
Time to inhale
Inhale
Life
Saturday, October 30, 2010
An Honest Account
and it would go like this:
Today at the tattoo show
much flesh, many people
but how in the minority
theres so much conformity
amongst these rebels-
It is quite curious!
So much sameness
I got dizzy
and I swear
even the beards must be cloned
part of the same set
that contains a bald head,
a big gut
and a foul foul mouth.
Sure pearcings too
Silence...This is good.
Enjoying it
Content
You can do it, no dont do it
come on, do it do it do it!
Oh well
I think I am beautiful
I really am
and I love myself.
Isnt this nice
More!MORE
I cant let him go
I scream for more
but wait a minute darling,
you dont want to be left so hanging on
while the people sort out
the weak from the strong
the right from wrong
sure with best intentions
but dont you want ...
MORE
Oh darling try this-
"Committed". Yes,
theres a good start.
Is this the manual
for how to bag the right guy?
She says something about infatuations
not good for her,
raging tornadoes???
WOW, get out of my head Lady!!!
Oh she is now seeing her man
for what he is...
what the hell do they mean
when they say
see them as they are???
well, thats not looking to fill a hole
or complete you
but I wasnt
or so I thought
AHA
stop arguing guys
now she says something about
mixing up your doors with your windows.
Ouch this hurts
letting in strangers where your spouse alone
should be permitted
fatal flaw
of the weak
MORE
the silence is gone
I think I might not survive
while others rebuild their houses doors and windows
having done the right thing
in the first place
Not me
me- through wisdom or blind ignorance
maintaining my orbit
around this burning planet
that scorches layers of my skin
off me with each revolution
it hurts it really hurts
what are we trying to get to???
Yes please, hug me,
I temporarily seem unable
to contain myself
Got to get these thoughts
out of my head
I am running out of space
in there
Now boys and girls
whos keen to have this mess
for a companion?
I thought so...
Today at the tattoo show
much flesh, many people
but how in the minority
theres so much conformity
amongst these rebels-
It is quite curious!
So much sameness
I got dizzy
and I swear
even the beards must be cloned
part of the same set
that contains a bald head,
a big gut
and a foul foul mouth.
Sure pearcings too
Silence...This is good.
Enjoying it
Content
You can do it, no dont do it
come on, do it do it do it!
Oh well
I think I am beautiful
I really am
and I love myself.
Isnt this nice
More!MORE
I cant let him go
I scream for more
but wait a minute darling,
you dont want to be left so hanging on
while the people sort out
the weak from the strong
the right from wrong
sure with best intentions
but dont you want ...
MORE
Oh darling try this-
"Committed". Yes,
theres a good start.
Is this the manual
for how to bag the right guy?
She says something about infatuations
not good for her,
raging tornadoes???
WOW, get out of my head Lady!!!
Oh she is now seeing her man
for what he is...
what the hell do they mean
when they say
see them as they are???
well, thats not looking to fill a hole
or complete you
but I wasnt
or so I thought
AHA
stop arguing guys
now she says something about
mixing up your doors with your windows.
Ouch this hurts
letting in strangers where your spouse alone
should be permitted
fatal flaw
of the weak
MORE
the silence is gone
I think I might not survive
while others rebuild their houses doors and windows
having done the right thing
in the first place
Not me
me- through wisdom or blind ignorance
maintaining my orbit
around this burning planet
that scorches layers of my skin
off me with each revolution
it hurts it really hurts
what are we trying to get to???
Yes please, hug me,
I temporarily seem unable
to contain myself
Got to get these thoughts
out of my head
I am running out of space
in there
Now boys and girls
whos keen to have this mess
for a companion?
I thought so...
Can we stop this confusion???
Accept the toughts
Question the thoughts
Inquire into thoughts
Allow the thoughts???
Experience the feelings
Feelings are a lie
thoughts are a lie
dont believe all of them
accept all of them
question all of them
passion is right
passion is imagined
passion is needed
nothing is needed
all you need is love
all you are is love
all we are love
you dont need love
you have all the love
it can be right to leave it
it can be right to keep it
it doesnt matter
if you are the victim
or the equanimous
we are all one
a big fucking mess of a love
STOP THE VOICES!!!
Accept the toughts
Question the thoughts
Inquire into thoughts
Allow the thoughts???
Experience the feelings
Feelings are a lie
thoughts are a lie
dont believe all of them
accept all of them
question all of them
passion is right
passion is imagined
passion is needed
nothing is needed
all you need is love
all you are is love
all we are love
you dont need love
you have all the love
it can be right to leave it
it can be right to keep it
it doesnt matter
if you are the victim
or the equanimous
we are all one
a big fucking mess of a love
STOP THE VOICES!!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
Expose Yourself
I cant stand him
because he is so bossy,a control freak, so selfish and doesnt seem to be able to love anyone.
...but sometimes when we touch
I cant stand him
because he doesnt respect me.
the honesty's too much
I cant stand him
because he never pays attention to what I say to him.
and I have to close my eyes
I cant stand him
because he can be extremely rude and short tempered with lots of anger.
and hide
I cant stand him
because he has no idea how to be loving to children but tries to teach me!
I wanna hold you til I die
And there you have it.
til we both break down and cry
I cant stand the mirror image of ME.
I wanna hold you
til the fear in me subsides...
because he is so bossy,a control freak, so selfish and doesnt seem to be able to love anyone.
...but sometimes when we touch
I cant stand him
because he doesnt respect me.
the honesty's too much
I cant stand him
because he never pays attention to what I say to him.
and I have to close my eyes
I cant stand him
because he can be extremely rude and short tempered with lots of anger.
and hide
I cant stand him
because he has no idea how to be loving to children but tries to teach me!
I wanna hold you til I die
And there you have it.
til we both break down and cry
I cant stand the mirror image of ME.
I wanna hold you
til the fear in me subsides...
An Anniversary
Interesting
How I dont feel like celebrating
this particular anniversary.
One year today.
Not that I can complain
But some of us
in a lot of pain
asking was it worth it?
Moving apart
at an accelarated rate
was it the extra space
that suddenly let me
inhale?
Me still falling
through the vortex
You knee deep
in the remains
of your broken life
But there are good news too
What you think is your life
isnt really your life
Reconstituting ourselves
Heres to a more content
Anniversary.
Hip hip hooray...
How I dont feel like celebrating
this particular anniversary.
One year today.
Not that I can complain
But some of us
in a lot of pain
asking was it worth it?
Moving apart
at an accelarated rate
was it the extra space
that suddenly let me
inhale?
Me still falling
through the vortex
You knee deep
in the remains
of your broken life
But there are good news too
What you think is your life
isnt really your life
Reconstituting ourselves
Heres to a more content
Anniversary.
Hip hip hooray...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Grief
It is like a desert
this in-between place
only colder
and empty
with numbness
Between the life
and the abyss
been here before
pulled it back from the brink
a few times too many perhaps
now waiting for it
to tip over that edge
well and truly
out of reach.
Waiting.
Go.Go.
I let you go.
this in-between place
only colder
and empty
with numbness
Between the life
and the abyss
been here before
pulled it back from the brink
a few times too many perhaps
now waiting for it
to tip over that edge
well and truly
out of reach.
Waiting.
Go.Go.
I let you go.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Values
Yes, values are important
May be even an anchor
I've always searched for
But the air is hot and humid
even at night
the smell of blossom
nauseating
yet I am thrilled
and grateful
for my olfactory gift
for my intact frontal lobe
for my desire
thats got me in the tightest grip
slicing through my abdomen
for my observant self
for courage
for all of you
and for that vibe
that breath of air
inside this balloon
that we are all blown out of
some call it God
May be even an anchor
I've always searched for
But the air is hot and humid
even at night
the smell of blossom
nauseating
yet I am thrilled
and grateful
for my olfactory gift
for my intact frontal lobe
for my desire
thats got me in the tightest grip
slicing through my abdomen
for my observant self
for courage
for all of you
and for that vibe
that breath of air
inside this balloon
that we are all blown out of
some call it God
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Heart Like an Egg
There is a lot to us
And all there to be enjoyed
Take this mind
Talk to it, read it,
play games with it, humour it,
nourish it, bend it,
love it, hate it at times
Take this body
Talk to it, read it,
tease it, love it,
use it, look at it,
humour it (if you must)
share it, leave it at times
Take this soul
Read its poetry, love it,
leave it, feel it,
ravish it, hold it,
see it, understand it,
dont understand it at times
But this heart
It can sail, it can dance,
it can build homes
and heal wounds
and break down walls
yet it is like an egg
if you take it
take it with Tenderness
always hold it with Tenderness
Its like an egg.
And all there to be enjoyed
Take this mind
Talk to it, read it,
play games with it, humour it,
nourish it, bend it,
love it, hate it at times
Take this body
Talk to it, read it,
tease it, love it,
use it, look at it,
humour it (if you must)
share it, leave it at times
Take this soul
Read its poetry, love it,
leave it, feel it,
ravish it, hold it,
see it, understand it,
dont understand it at times
But this heart
It can sail, it can dance,
it can build homes
and heal wounds
and break down walls
yet it is like an egg
if you take it
take it with Tenderness
always hold it with Tenderness
Its like an egg.
Oh yeah Baby
SOULMATES
When you meet your soul mate,
this person will have an instantaneous effect on you.
A soul mate is someone who makes your knees go weak
and takes your breath away.
With but a single glance they lessen your burden,
and but a smile, touch your heart.
You will feel a sense of total connection with this person.
They will touch you so deeply on so many levels
that you will want to share you innermost secrets.
For the first time in your life
someone will make you feel almost like a god.
Once you have met your soul mate, for better or sometimes worse,
your life will never be the same...
One of the things which makes this encounter so unique
is the sense of a profound spiritual experience.
You both feel like this is meant to be
and that you've been together before in a past incarnation.
When you meet your soul mate something happens —
the deep yearning, the compelling energy drawing you
to become physically intimate overwhelms many...
Nothing will have ever felt so right...
There's a sense of safety with this person.
You knowingly let go of your defenses
as a deep empathic bond is formed.
Unlike any other relationships you may have had,
there will be no game playing or hidden agendas, only truth...
There is something about the passion you share with a soul mate
that goes so far beyond just the physical body.
For a moment in time you two are the only
ones who exist in the universe.
Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls
have intertwined themselves becoming one.
Your spiritual energies meld and you feel the flame of creation
move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summer's day.
Soon you begin to lose track
of where you begin and your partner ends...
From within the depths of your exquisitely passionate union,
your soul mate will know exactly how and where to touch you.
It will be different, more intense, and more gratifying
than any lover from your past...
And more electrifying than anything you have ever imagined...
They will look into your eyes
and you will feel your soul open wide.
For some people, there is the "rush".
All the love, all the lust,
and all the need will surge forth
from your soul like captives from a cage.
At this moment you will know
what it means to get lost within someone's eyes.
You will experience a realization you have never felt before
and your desire and passion will rise to new levels.
But in the end, as you lay there,
as the warm afterglow begins to fade,
you will realize what just happened was not merely sex.
Sex pales in comparison to what you have just experienced...
To put it simply, your soul mate will be able
to make love to you in ways no one else will ever be able to match...
~~ Unknown
(and somewhat embellished by the Goddess, who knows of what she speaks —
your life will never, ever be the same...)
When you meet your soul mate,
this person will have an instantaneous effect on you.
A soul mate is someone who makes your knees go weak
and takes your breath away.
With but a single glance they lessen your burden,
and but a smile, touch your heart.
You will feel a sense of total connection with this person.
They will touch you so deeply on so many levels
that you will want to share you innermost secrets.
For the first time in your life
someone will make you feel almost like a god.
Once you have met your soul mate, for better or sometimes worse,
your life will never be the same...
One of the things which makes this encounter so unique
is the sense of a profound spiritual experience.
You both feel like this is meant to be
and that you've been together before in a past incarnation.
When you meet your soul mate something happens —
the deep yearning, the compelling energy drawing you
to become physically intimate overwhelms many...
Nothing will have ever felt so right...
There's a sense of safety with this person.
You knowingly let go of your defenses
as a deep empathic bond is formed.
Unlike any other relationships you may have had,
there will be no game playing or hidden agendas, only truth...
There is something about the passion you share with a soul mate
that goes so far beyond just the physical body.
For a moment in time you two are the only
ones who exist in the universe.
Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls
have intertwined themselves becoming one.
Your spiritual energies meld and you feel the flame of creation
move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summer's day.
Soon you begin to lose track
of where you begin and your partner ends...
From within the depths of your exquisitely passionate union,
your soul mate will know exactly how and where to touch you.
It will be different, more intense, and more gratifying
than any lover from your past...
And more electrifying than anything you have ever imagined...
They will look into your eyes
and you will feel your soul open wide.
For some people, there is the "rush".
All the love, all the lust,
and all the need will surge forth
from your soul like captives from a cage.
At this moment you will know
what it means to get lost within someone's eyes.
You will experience a realization you have never felt before
and your desire and passion will rise to new levels.
But in the end, as you lay there,
as the warm afterglow begins to fade,
you will realize what just happened was not merely sex.
Sex pales in comparison to what you have just experienced...
To put it simply, your soul mate will be able
to make love to you in ways no one else will ever be able to match...
~~ Unknown
(and somewhat embellished by the Goddess, who knows of what she speaks —
your life will never, ever be the same...)
Soulmates
Richard Bach describes soulmates as "A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and for who we're pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."
Yes, that sounds about right!
But before the sweet celestial music
washes me away straight to the Gates of Nirvana
A reminder:
All other laws of human relations
still do apply.
With Courage, Commitment and Tenderness
what amazing life can be made of this gift.
This is pure Grace.
Yes, that sounds about right!
But before the sweet celestial music
washes me away straight to the Gates of Nirvana
A reminder:
All other laws of human relations
still do apply.
With Courage, Commitment and Tenderness
what amazing life can be made of this gift.
This is pure Grace.
Friday, October 22, 2010
My Voice
Dont have one.
Encouraged not to trust it,
not to trust self.
Always admiring the outspoken ones
in awe.
Remembering the thrill
of expressive declamation,
now completely unable
to unfold, strain those voice cords,
memorise
not to mention the anxiety...
No voice.
Not even one inside.
Not much to say either.
Nodding has got me so far
May be it will see me through
I wonder...
If not for this tightness
in my chest,
needing to be released,
its beginning to hurt.
Now where did I leave it???
Encouraged not to trust it,
not to trust self.
Always admiring the outspoken ones
in awe.
Remembering the thrill
of expressive declamation,
now completely unable
to unfold, strain those voice cords,
memorise
not to mention the anxiety...
No voice.
Not even one inside.
Not much to say either.
Nodding has got me so far
May be it will see me through
I wonder...
If not for this tightness
in my chest,
needing to be released,
its beginning to hurt.
Now where did I leave it???
She Is Beauty
This stunning woman
with an eagle's nose
most perfect teeth
that decorate the
most beautiful mouth
that speaks with
most certainty
thats laced with
most passion
that she must pour
in her bath every day
along with flowers
making her
incredibly
beautiful
inside
and
out.
with an eagle's nose
most perfect teeth
that decorate the
most beautiful mouth
that speaks with
most certainty
thats laced with
most passion
that she must pour
in her bath every day
along with flowers
making her
incredibly
beautiful
inside
and
out.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Terrified
If I am honest
(And I profess to be
Or at least genuinely try)
I am terrified.
Not able to put a date
On when I was last alone
But remembering what
alone was like
today I look
like that rabbit
in the headlights
paralysed
I am going to
honour my terror too.
And do nothing.
(And I profess to be
Or at least genuinely try)
I am terrified.
Not able to put a date
On when I was last alone
But remembering what
alone was like
today I look
like that rabbit
in the headlights
paralysed
I am going to
honour my terror too.
And do nothing.
And I Mean Everything
Resting in this peace
Is this respite
Or a permanent move?
Wide eyed
Remembering Golden Buddha Beach
Peace
with not much else to do
but stretch, meditate, yoga...
cordial, pleasant, connected
exchanges
turtles at night
most delicious rice pudding.
Remembering the tsunami
that destroyed it
buildings and people
there was no talk of peace
for a long time...
Even peace worries me
now that I know
that everything passes
Is this respite
Or a permanent move?
Wide eyed
Remembering Golden Buddha Beach
Peace
with not much else to do
but stretch, meditate, yoga...
cordial, pleasant, connected
exchanges
turtles at night
most delicious rice pudding.
Remembering the tsunami
that destroyed it
buildings and people
there was no talk of peace
for a long time...
Even peace worries me
now that I know
that everything passes
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Remembering Sylvia
In times of the darkest despair
I want to read this:
Burning up on the edge of
whats humanly possible
to endure
Giving of herself that
What opens my eyes
to the depth of the human suffering
leaving my words fully inadequate.
In times of the darkest despair
I want to read this:
Dont do this.
Consider your Will.
A life more ordinary
And a choice
And a chance
For a child
to be loved.
You are a Mother.
I am sorry Sylvia.
I want to read this:
Burning up on the edge of
whats humanly possible
to endure
Giving of herself that
What opens my eyes
to the depth of the human suffering
leaving my words fully inadequate.
In times of the darkest despair
I want to read this:
Dont do this.
Consider your Will.
A life more ordinary
And a choice
And a chance
For a child
to be loved.
You are a Mother.
I am sorry Sylvia.
Missing You
This must be
how a home feels
when we are all
on holiday
This must be
how a glove
misplaced
waits for its hand
and those large bird creatures,
those ones with the happy feet
and a neverending night
wait for the earth to tilt
Wanting you
Longing
Each day
Managing the unmanageable
Dying each day
to yesterday
but so full of hope
for many more chances
many mornings
many embraces
If ten thousand lives
I still have
All of those
I'll be
Wanting You.
how a home feels
when we are all
on holiday
This must be
how a glove
misplaced
waits for its hand
and those large bird creatures,
those ones with the happy feet
and a neverending night
wait for the earth to tilt
Wanting you
Longing
Each day
Managing the unmanageable
Dying each day
to yesterday
but so full of hope
for many more chances
many mornings
many embraces
If ten thousand lives
I still have
All of those
I'll be
Wanting You.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Here and Now
In the middle of an adventure,
Foreign kisses,
Sarongs and streams,
Human connection
and human loss,
failed attempt
to conquer Everest even
(or base camp if we are honest)
A lesson was learnt-
and eyes opened
for the very first time.
Being any place
is as good as
being any place else.
Just like looking within
is as good as
looking outwards.
It is all there.
All in the here and now.
Foreign kisses,
Sarongs and streams,
Human connection
and human loss,
failed attempt
to conquer Everest even
(or base camp if we are honest)
A lesson was learnt-
and eyes opened
for the very first time.
Being any place
is as good as
being any place else.
Just like looking within
is as good as
looking outwards.
It is all there.
All in the here and now.
Sad
Stripping away the main reason for this attraction
Which is of course the addiction to chemicals
Matching passions, interests, values, beliefs
Lacking only the shared time.
I am sad that she gets to.
Which is of course the addiction to chemicals
Matching passions, interests, values, beliefs
Lacking only the shared time.
I am sad that she gets to.
Embrace Your Demons, Follow Your Heart
Is there anything new left in this world?
For a late bloomer and a slow learner
I will never catch up it seems.
Though that is of no importance
Provided that what I need
Comes to me when I need it.
(and Thank You Universe, it always does!)
So the next time it comes
And starts digging around my belly
Spreading panic, causing tremors
And a steady stream of anxiety,
The task has changed.
Looking.
I will just be looking.
And breathing.
One breath at a time.
Courage- Strength- Determination- Resiliance- Perseverance
Looking for the weakest link.
For a late bloomer and a slow learner
I will never catch up it seems.
Though that is of no importance
Provided that what I need
Comes to me when I need it.
(and Thank You Universe, it always does!)
So the next time it comes
And starts digging around my belly
Spreading panic, causing tremors
And a steady stream of anxiety,
The task has changed.
Looking.
I will just be looking.
And breathing.
One breath at a time.
Courage- Strength- Determination- Resiliance- Perseverance
Looking for the weakest link.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Children
It is thanks to them
That some of us
Still remember how to laugh and cry
It is thanks to them
That for some of us
Selfless acts are still possible
And it is definitely thanks to them
That the nature of ourselves
Is better revealed
And fast!
Precious, precious gifts
Are children.
That some of us
Still remember how to laugh and cry
It is thanks to them
That for some of us
Selfless acts are still possible
And it is definitely thanks to them
That the nature of ourselves
Is better revealed
And fast!
Precious, precious gifts
Are children.
In This Glass Box
It is impossible to contain
the infinite
in this glass box
so each day
I live the impossible
hitting my head on the floor
then the ceiling
and the walls
bruised and at times bleeding
I learn slowly.
As for why
I really cant tell.
As for how-
I see there are many ways to be.
Floating in the centre
closing my eyes
going into the dream
of whats outside the box
feeling connected
with outside the box
calm
peaceful
bathing in the dream of love
But floating
not always an option
so it is possible
to explore as high,
as low,
as hard and fast
as you wish
as dull
as slow
as decent
as you wish
Conforming
to "good life",
proper,
stable,
with values
safe.
I guess
with sick and damaged
beign the majority of us
some rules are necessary
But when almost all
need to break the rules
sooner or later
or all the time
could the rules do
with some revision???
It is true though
Children require stability
so dont get too carried away.
the infinite
in this glass box
so each day
I live the impossible
hitting my head on the floor
then the ceiling
and the walls
bruised and at times bleeding
I learn slowly.
As for why
I really cant tell.
As for how-
I see there are many ways to be.
Floating in the centre
closing my eyes
going into the dream
of whats outside the box
feeling connected
with outside the box
calm
peaceful
bathing in the dream of love
But floating
not always an option
so it is possible
to explore as high,
as low,
as hard and fast
as you wish
as dull
as slow
as decent
as you wish
Conforming
to "good life",
proper,
stable,
with values
safe.
I guess
with sick and damaged
beign the majority of us
some rules are necessary
But when almost all
need to break the rules
sooner or later
or all the time
could the rules do
with some revision???
It is true though
Children require stability
so dont get too carried away.
Friday, October 15, 2010
In a Muddle
This drive
to understand
why and how and what
seems absolutely
necessary
though with its
mirror images,
angles,
disassociations,
explanations,
incongruous
like this poem
Perhaps
this drive
needs to be
examined
closer
as it feels
like
suicide
or
assassination
who am I???
to understand
why and how and what
seems absolutely
necessary
though with its
mirror images,
angles,
disassociations,
explanations,
incongruous
like this poem
Perhaps
this drive
needs to be
examined
closer
as it feels
like
suicide
or
assassination
who am I???
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Not for public display
explosions of anger
and verbal violence
bring relief
and shame
exposing as much
about the object of anger
as about the one
doing the anger
not for display
and verbal violence
bring relief
and shame
exposing as much
about the object of anger
as about the one
doing the anger
not for display
My Pure Heart
It seems my crime was
Asking for a text message
An extra one,
One out of order,
One that might tip the balance your way
Bemused I am now too.
My pure heart
It is all I have
Honestly
No other talents
An average intelligence
Two arms and two legs
and all other bits and pieces
in place
for now
My heart burns
making passion
thats all
I do
That is my trade
It is my only treasure
And you dont deserve it.
Asking for a text message
An extra one,
One out of order,
One that might tip the balance your way
Bemused I am now too.
My pure heart
It is all I have
Honestly
No other talents
An average intelligence
Two arms and two legs
and all other bits and pieces
in place
for now
My heart burns
making passion
thats all
I do
That is my trade
It is my only treasure
And you dont deserve it.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Pressure Mounts
Unable to sleep
Or eat
Or focus
She remembers
how walking is done
and talking
and the minimal social interaction
required to get through the day here
can be easily copied
with just a bit of observation
Leaving all decisions
up to Time
to tell
She hopes to escape
pain
paying in return
with the searing headache
where the pressure
of her life
is bleeding into her scull
just one drop at a time
Or eat
Or focus
She remembers
how walking is done
and talking
and the minimal social interaction
required to get through the day here
can be easily copied
with just a bit of observation
Leaving all decisions
up to Time
to tell
She hopes to escape
pain
paying in return
with the searing headache
where the pressure
of her life
is bleeding into her scull
just one drop at a time
Is There a Light
at the end of this tunnel
I remember a night
in the hills of Ireland
lost
we approached a black pit
there was no other way
we couldnt go over it
we couldnt go under it
we had to go through it
blackness like you can not imagine
nothing that an eye can percieve
and not much ahead
just a belief
no actually knowledge
(but this is debatable)
that there is a way out of this
three things I learnt:
every black hole has an exit
vodka makes everything better
and that one-
about a friends hand being a life saver
when you're scared.
I remember a night
in the hills of Ireland
lost
we approached a black pit
there was no other way
we couldnt go over it
we couldnt go under it
we had to go through it
blackness like you can not imagine
nothing that an eye can percieve
and not much ahead
just a belief
no actually knowledge
(but this is debatable)
that there is a way out of this
three things I learnt:
every black hole has an exit
vodka makes everything better
and that one-
about a friends hand being a life saver
when you're scared.
Why Indeed
Why do I come here?
Many times a day
Logging on
Typing in passwords
That there are no answers here
I found out a long time ago
Trying to fill this wanting
the most normal of them all
to share my moments with
someone close
to feel close
to be close
to get closer and closer
All this achieves
is a bonding
between me
and my machine.
My fingertips kissing the keys,
Couldnt get any closer.
As for that wanting-
still unfulfilled...
Why do I come here indeed
Many times a day
Logging on
Typing in passwords
That there are no answers here
I found out a long time ago
Trying to fill this wanting
the most normal of them all
to share my moments with
someone close
to feel close
to be close
to get closer and closer
All this achieves
is a bonding
between me
and my machine.
My fingertips kissing the keys,
Couldnt get any closer.
As for that wanting-
still unfulfilled...
Why do I come here indeed
Monday, October 11, 2010
All This Time
Surprised again,
Another insight
you seem to know
better than I-
Time on my own
Never acknowledged
Never appreciated
Never named-
It is my lifeline!
Not enough of it,
Never enough of it
Now I'm having to allocate
An hour for letters
An hour for reading
and miscellaneous
Ridiculous?
Yet such an improvement
on just before...
I expand with
all this time
filling up
my lungs and my head
Now I see
Time on your own
has to be understood
It is not scary
It is not isolating
It is not deprivation of another
of attention
For some
it is just as essential
as breath
Another insight
you seem to know
better than I-
Time on my own
Never acknowledged
Never appreciated
Never named-
It is my lifeline!
Not enough of it,
Never enough of it
Now I'm having to allocate
An hour for letters
An hour for reading
and miscellaneous
Ridiculous?
Yet such an improvement
on just before...
I expand with
all this time
filling up
my lungs and my head
Now I see
Time on your own
has to be understood
It is not scary
It is not isolating
It is not deprivation of another
of attention
For some
it is just as essential
as breath
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Emotional Immaturity
It is all true
that you said
Neither of us
feeling any better for it
though somehow
its been helpful
No, dont spare my feelings
I've never reciprocated
after all
Kick me hard
And keep kicking
It doesnt hurt enough yet
to change
Growing old
before growing up
this would be
a disgrace
Remaining a needy victim
ever so sorry for myself
this cant go on
you are right
I've got to thank you sincerely
Though I doubt
this will make you
any happier.
that you said
Neither of us
feeling any better for it
though somehow
its been helpful
No, dont spare my feelings
I've never reciprocated
after all
Kick me hard
And keep kicking
It doesnt hurt enough yet
to change
Growing old
before growing up
this would be
a disgrace
Remaining a needy victim
ever so sorry for myself
this cant go on
you are right
I've got to thank you sincerely
Though I doubt
this will make you
any happier.
Playing
Dangerous game this
that involves
unstable minds
constant inconsistency
impatience
Strongest undercurrents
they are the ones
that matter
but the storm on the surface
will destroy
everything
over and over again
This is and this isnt a game you know
depending on whether or not
you know the rules.
that involves
unstable minds
constant inconsistency
impatience
Strongest undercurrents
they are the ones
that matter
but the storm on the surface
will destroy
everything
over and over again
This is and this isnt a game you know
depending on whether or not
you know the rules.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Arty encounter
A guitar player at an airport
He was some place else
The music opened the door wide
Anyone could have found him
But we dont have time
We dont have the courage
For that place
Except for a moment
Still
A breath of fresh air
He was some place else
The music opened the door wide
Anyone could have found him
But we dont have time
We dont have the courage
For that place
Except for a moment
Still
A breath of fresh air
Thank You
You know who you are
And Thank You
For that chat
For the closeness
For those pointers
Validating each other
We've increased
the good,
the safe,
the peaceful
Never having tried it
in my language
I wonder if my inner mind
Has been misunderstanding always
Esmu miers
Esmu drosiiba
Esmu speeks
Oh what the hell:)
I really am getting
nowhere with this
And Thank You
For that chat
For the closeness
For those pointers
Validating each other
We've increased
the good,
the safe,
the peaceful
Never having tried it
in my language
I wonder if my inner mind
Has been misunderstanding always
Esmu miers
Esmu drosiiba
Esmu speeks
Oh what the hell:)
I really am getting
nowhere with this
Always leaving
I am not depressed
I am not even sad
I am empty
You would hear an echo
bouncing off some internal part of me
if you tried
whispering your name
in me
Always leaving
I crave staying
Some place
My place
And peace
Is that called
Growing Up?
Actually
Ageing might be
more appropriate...
I wonder where did the
middle bit go
I am not even sad
I am empty
You would hear an echo
bouncing off some internal part of me
if you tried
whispering your name
in me
Always leaving
I crave staying
Some place
My place
And peace
Is that called
Growing Up?
Actually
Ageing might be
more appropriate...
I wonder where did the
middle bit go
Monday, October 4, 2010
I Miss You
Dropping all pain
Self protection
Self interest
Selfishness
i miss you
i just do
and I love you
and you are amazing
you really are
all of you
Self protection
Self interest
Selfishness
i miss you
i just do
and I love you
and you are amazing
you really are
all of you
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Words
Worshipping words
Big mistake
Should have known better
Load of hot air
"For Better Latvia"
we all know
what those russians
actually mean
Falling for words is
the most stupid thing
one can do.
Damn this.
Big mistake
Should have known better
Load of hot air
"For Better Latvia"
we all know
what those russians
actually mean
Falling for words is
the most stupid thing
one can do.
Damn this.
A brave beautiful person
Where the hell are you all
getting this from?
Well Thank You
I am glad I inspire some
Or serve as an example to others
Or WHATEVER
Then why the hell is it such a nightmare
to be ME???
Bugger this
Drunk on Black Balzams
Numb enough
I'll be anything to anyone.
But what about tomorrow???
getting this from?
Well Thank You
I am glad I inspire some
Or serve as an example to others
Or WHATEVER
Then why the hell is it such a nightmare
to be ME???
Bugger this
Drunk on Black Balzams
Numb enough
I'll be anything to anyone.
But what about tomorrow???
Facing My Addiction
Its an addiction
Like any other
A rug pulled from under my feet
I fall, stomach churning
I panic
I send a text
I call
I email
I get a reply
I talk
I laugh
I have had my fix
Until the next time.
Tomorrow?
I should be so lucky...
in a few hours
is a lot more likely
It is living hell.
My liver might be clean
My kidneys still alright
But that heart attack will
definitely get me.
That Emotions Anonymous leaflet
Will come in handy after all.
Going cold turkey indeed.
Like any other
A rug pulled from under my feet
I fall, stomach churning
I panic
I send a text
I call
I email
I get a reply
I talk
I laugh
I have had my fix
Until the next time.
Tomorrow?
I should be so lucky...
in a few hours
is a lot more likely
It is living hell.
My liver might be clean
My kidneys still alright
But that heart attack will
definitely get me.
That Emotions Anonymous leaflet
Will come in handy after all.
Going cold turkey indeed.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Being on your own
I think he meant it
as a good thing
"You had to be on your own
a lot"
Well,
Thats where all my
problems started
I said
He was silent
But I suspect
He didnt quite agree
Who on Earth
likes to be alone
a lot?
And who likes and needs that
when they are 1?
32 years later
I need a lesson in being alone
and cohabiting with the panic.
I'll just have to.
as a good thing
"You had to be on your own
a lot"
Well,
Thats where all my
problems started
I said
He was silent
But I suspect
He didnt quite agree
Who on Earth
likes to be alone
a lot?
And who likes and needs that
when they are 1?
32 years later
I need a lesson in being alone
and cohabiting with the panic.
I'll just have to.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
1996/1997
wow...
finally forced to look through the box
a lot happened to me in those years
and on the bottom of it
there I was
wide eyed
hopelessly romantic
clean and pure
open and honest
joyous and desperate
connected
not that much has changed
and the dreams and desires
still the same
how can this be?
finally forced to look through the box
a lot happened to me in those years
and on the bottom of it
there I was
wide eyed
hopelessly romantic
clean and pure
open and honest
joyous and desperate
connected
not that much has changed
and the dreams and desires
still the same
how can this be?
It is still about Love
Today I read
This silly thing
About Love
About evolved souls
With burning yearnings
To reunite
With the Masculine
Or the Feminine
Other part of them
That they lost
Entering here
Well,
This would explain neatly
This searing pain
This aching
This maddening drive
To be one again
The question has been wrong all along
It is not What Do I Want
It is
Can I move past enough fear
To make room
For what I want
For what I want
What I really want
May be far away
It may be
So far away
It is a lifetime away
Or a few
Can I live a half in the meantime???
May be this isnt about love after all
May be this is about
Truth, Courage and Strength.
This silly thing
About Love
About evolved souls
With burning yearnings
To reunite
With the Masculine
Or the Feminine
Other part of them
That they lost
Entering here
Well,
This would explain neatly
This searing pain
This aching
This maddening drive
To be one again
The question has been wrong all along
It is not What Do I Want
It is
Can I move past enough fear
To make room
For what I want
For what I want
What I really want
May be far away
It may be
So far away
It is a lifetime away
Or a few
Can I live a half in the meantime???
May be this isnt about love after all
May be this is about
Truth, Courage and Strength.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Rumi on Passion
Passion makes the old medicine new:
Passion lops off the bough of weariness.
Passion is the elixir that renews:
how can there be weariness
when passion is present?
Oh, don't sigh heavily from fatigue:
seek passion, seek passion, seek passion!
(Mathnawi VI,4302-4302)
Passion lops off the bough of weariness.
Passion is the elixir that renews:
how can there be weariness
when passion is present?
Oh, don't sigh heavily from fatigue:
seek passion, seek passion, seek passion!
(Mathnawi VI,4302-4302)
The Truth About The Grass
Whats this crap they say
About the grass always greener
Some other place?
Its juicy green here today
Though the frosts are forecast
So if the grass matters to you
Roll in it
Smell it
Chew on it
Wistle with it
Crush it
Rub it
Love and enjoy it
Today
Then have the wisdom
To wait out the winter
Or keep on moving
And shut up about the grass please.
About the grass always greener
Some other place?
Its juicy green here today
Though the frosts are forecast
So if the grass matters to you
Roll in it
Smell it
Chew on it
Wistle with it
Crush it
Rub it
Love and enjoy it
Today
Then have the wisdom
To wait out the winter
Or keep on moving
And shut up about the grass please.
Its Not All About The Mother
My Dad
Will always answer a question when asked directly
My Dad
Doesnt judge, no of course he does, but by his standards and I mostly align with those
My Dad
Is adventurous, open minded, curious, he likes people and beer and fun
My Dad
Can make anything out of nothing. He really can. He taught me.
But if a therapist had to pin point any searching for the Father Figure
It is the search for the Eternal Optimist that is my Dad
Divorced, bancrupt, in prison, impoverished, lost a son.
He smiles from within still and always.
He must be the one who gave me that middle name-
Hope I think it was.
Will always answer a question when asked directly
My Dad
Doesnt judge, no of course he does, but by his standards and I mostly align with those
My Dad
Is adventurous, open minded, curious, he likes people and beer and fun
My Dad
Can make anything out of nothing. He really can. He taught me.
But if a therapist had to pin point any searching for the Father Figure
It is the search for the Eternal Optimist that is my Dad
Divorced, bancrupt, in prison, impoverished, lost a son.
He smiles from within still and always.
He must be the one who gave me that middle name-
Hope I think it was.
My Giant Oak
and when I hug it
it performs open heart surgery
no anaesthetic
no blood either
just an exchange
and understanding
if only it was that easy with humans
Agony
The air is so clean here
The frosts
The smoke from the stove
Burns my throat
It tastes delicious
Pears and apples
A bed of watermelons
Chopping wood
The flowers
But it is
Impossible not to cry
Feeling your agony
I am so sorry
Everything is inadequate
Baby, do what you need to do
Take a break
Dont write
Or do
Dont worry about us
We wiļl be here waiting
Crying, breathing,
Trying to be still
Trying teleportation
Bound to fail
There is no way of getting to you
For the moment that matters
Just take this from me-
I am not there
But I am there always.
I love you.
The frosts
The smoke from the stove
Burns my throat
It tastes delicious
Pears and apples
A bed of watermelons
Chopping wood
The flowers
But it is
Impossible not to cry
Feeling your agony
I am so sorry
Everything is inadequate
Baby, do what you need to do
Take a break
Dont write
Or do
Dont worry about us
We wiļl be here waiting
Crying, breathing,
Trying to be still
Trying teleportation
Bound to fail
There is no way of getting to you
For the moment that matters
Just take this from me-
I am not there
But I am there always.
I love you.
Here and Now
With next to no money
The most treasured pleasures
Are had every time here
Me and my Dad
We shop
We get cold
We come into the warmth
We unpack the food with utmost seriousness
And then he pours the beer
They have been busy here
Brewing while I've been away
Smokey One,The Old Way,
Honeybrew
(And God that 1% honey
Is still in my mouth!)
Black Amber
Watching ice hockey
And debating elections
This is life
The most treasured pleasures
Are had every time here
Me and my Dad
We shop
We get cold
We come into the warmth
We unpack the food with utmost seriousness
And then he pours the beer
They have been busy here
Brewing while I've been away
Smokey One,The Old Way,
Honeybrew
(And God that 1% honey
Is still in my mouth!)
Black Amber
Watching ice hockey
And debating elections
This is life
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
New Age- after 30, married with children
"Follow Your Heart"
P.S.
- always prioritise your child
- learn to cook
- get a job
- get those driving lessons
- listen to more good music
- practice being considerate
- be nice to the in-laws
- be nice to your mother
- obtain assets
- conclude the therapy
-
What was it again???
P.S.
- always prioritise your child
- learn to cook
- get a job
- get those driving lessons
- listen to more good music
- practice being considerate
- be nice to the in-laws
- be nice to your mother
- obtain assets
- conclude the therapy
-
What was it again???
My Language Fails Me
I've suspected this before
Coming home always nurtures the soul
But it doesnt understand
I grapple for words, for concepts,
Plead to old closeness
Its useless
That shell lies empty
Left so long ago
Like skin shead
Its still there
You can still find it
But it isnt me
And though
I suspect
The Me at the beginning
Of this writing
Isnt the Me at the end either
This is more profound
A barrier between cultures
Or is it language
That lets me down?
Concepts should translate
If you try hard enough
But I seem to lack
This skill-
This something.
So I remain on this side of the wall
And the whole country
Smile, worry, love, hug, admire, pity and envy me
o
n
t
h
e
o
t
h
e
r
s
i
d
e
Coming home always nurtures the soul
But it doesnt understand
I grapple for words, for concepts,
Plead to old closeness
Its useless
That shell lies empty
Left so long ago
Like skin shead
Its still there
You can still find it
But it isnt me
And though
I suspect
The Me at the beginning
Of this writing
Isnt the Me at the end either
This is more profound
A barrier between cultures
Or is it language
That lets me down?
Concepts should translate
If you try hard enough
But I seem to lack
This skill-
This something.
So I remain on this side of the wall
And the whole country
Smile, worry, love, hug, admire, pity and envy me
o
n
t
h
e
o
t
h
e
r
s
i
d
e
Monday, September 27, 2010
A New Countdown
Making things clear
Is totally liberating
Day One again
But a different kind
Suddenly I can
Sing and dance tango,
Join a folk band
Do drama, even learn to drive
And believe
Whatever I want to believe
Better catch that plane
For more joy
Take-off and landing
I seem to love them again
Is totally liberating
Day One again
But a different kind
Suddenly I can
Sing and dance tango,
Join a folk band
Do drama, even learn to drive
And believe
Whatever I want to believe
Better catch that plane
For more joy
Take-off and landing
I seem to love them again
Surprising Findings
Speaking for myself
But with a suspicion
Of wider incidence
Of this phenomenon
I am shocked to find
Only through interaction
With another
I see
What I've needed
So long
What I thought I need
Moving rapidly down the list
I cry
Over opened doors
Carried bags
Bills paid
And drinks bought
It appears that
In my Egocentric Universe
The world exists
To reveal myself
To me.
There is a hope in me
That I can return that favour
And do my part
In revealing others.
Ambitious or what?
But with a suspicion
Of wider incidence
Of this phenomenon
I am shocked to find
Only through interaction
With another
I see
What I've needed
So long
What I thought I need
Moving rapidly down the list
I cry
Over opened doors
Carried bags
Bills paid
And drinks bought
It appears that
In my Egocentric Universe
The world exists
To reveal myself
To me.
There is a hope in me
That I can return that favour
And do my part
In revealing others.
Ambitious or what?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
A kiss
Loving sweet cherries
As I do
I treasure the moment
My teeth on the skin
Just about to bite
And burst
My mouth full
Of sweetest juice
It is like that
When you lean
To kiss me
As I do
I treasure the moment
My teeth on the skin
Just about to bite
And burst
My mouth full
Of sweetest juice
It is like that
When you lean
To kiss me
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Is "She" allowed in a haiku?
Disturbing scream is
Rippling through everyone here
Turns out she just tripped
A scream
Has the longest arm
It comes for you
At a hundred miles an hour
Finds you thirty years ago
Or five
Or yesterday
And punches you in the gut
Irresponsible screaming
Bag full of drugs
And needles
Sprite full of wine
Children waiting
For their visit
It is human hell
Frightening decisions
Hiding there
And a panic
can she do it?
can she do it?
can she do it
Rippling through everyone here
Turns out she just tripped
A scream
Has the longest arm
It comes for you
At a hundred miles an hour
Finds you thirty years ago
Or five
Or yesterday
And punches you in the gut
Irresponsible screaming
Bag full of drugs
And needles
Sprite full of wine
Children waiting
For their visit
It is human hell
Frightening decisions
Hiding there
And a panic
can she do it?
can she do it?
can she do it
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