A Psychosurgical Incision, Miranda

This is important
An incision was made
and I lay here
letting it ooze out
Its like this:

He might leave me
If he connects to her deeply he will leave my life
Implications being that love and connection will leave my life
I will be alone
It is scary to allow your closest person be with others on a deep level

and then BOOM!!!

HE MAY DECIDE THAT I AM INADEQUATE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT CLEVER ENOUGH, NOT FUN ENOUGH!

Could it be that
I might decide that he is not adequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough?

Or:

I might decide that I am inadequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough!

I am inadequate.

oh God
for 8 years I have
tortured a man
driving him to feel
more and more inadequate
all run by my own
deep sense of
inadequacy.

It is a phantom thought,
one that right now,
in the moment
I do not believe
but one that
has invaded my every cell,
affected my every action
and hit me in the gut
over and over
enjoying its own strength.

To simply say
it is not true
is not enough.
To see how it makes me
squirm, please, sweat,
run, avoid, bully and abuse
is not enough.
To let go
is almost impossible.
For if I no longer believe
I am inadequate
I have no more excuse
to act like one.
I see it clearly.
It doesnt want to leave!

So I close my eyes
I face it
It is everywhere
I go back in time
I see the little girl me
and how
day after day
for years
for many many lonely years
no matter what she does
no matter how she tries
she can not get
her Mother to love her,
to consistently enough show
that she is loved,
not even as much
as confidence
in being liked!

Inadequate- obviously!

I hold that little girl
while the rivers of tears run
and I say Yes, Yes,
I see it
and I accept
I accept over and over
this perfect little girl

cut to the core
something deflates


I sit with it
and I thank us all.