Thank You Daniel, Thank You Byron Katie!

Spurred on by discord
I face another biggie...
Your constant reminders of
me being mentally ill,
unwell, broken, flawed...
I put those in your head
its just a handy time
to throw all them back at me.
So I cry and close my eyes
and I go back in
I find a monstrous
ghastly ugly thought,
a belief
that I AM fundamentally flawed
nothing I can do is right
because I am so primally wrong
a wrong doesnt make right
wrong only makes wrong
wrong decisions, wrong choices
chained to my flawed screw up
I am doomed
to continue like this
forever
She asks
is this really true?
Yes, it is true,
this is really how I fee
deep deep down in there
under everything else
then she asks
can you be absolutely sure
that this is true?

Byron Katie,
I celebrate your genuis!!!
I turn.
I am shocked.
What is true is
that I believe in my flawness
yes, that is beyond any doubt
always have
as long back as I can remember
until this very moment
but the FLAW itself...
I can not find it!!!
I can not find it!
It isnt there
back where I always believed it started
I am intact, perfect
I just am.
But now I see how A THOUGHT had started
A THOUGHT had survived
and lanscaped my inner world
fear being its most favourite tool
how much fear
a stupid amount of fear
feeding my thought...

And then she asks
while you hold that thought
what are you?
Dont trust myself
Confused
Frustrated
Scared
Indecisive
Full of doubt

And then she asks
what are you without it?

I guess I have to say
if this thought would never ever
enter me again...
Trust.
I would trust me
to know whats best for me
I would know
that I can make wholesome choices
harmonious even.
I would be more bold
at making decisions
and I would do away with doubt
or a huge chunk of it
keeping some
like a chewing gum
handy when I need to stall:)

Freedom.
I gain more freedom
as this space inside
lets go.

Thank You
You are my best teachers.

Everyone is pissed off

Its good to have you here
in my face
dont you let me forget
that I am human
weak at times
make wrong choices at times
cry too much at times
drink too much
rarely
but with gusto and force
like everything I do
Thank You.
I shouldnt forget

I've Got a Plan

When you're here
We've got a lot to get through.
All my outfits I will wear
- the strapless cocktail dress
with last minute straps
(no chance of a fashion faux pas there)
- my airy new turquise skirt
perfect for groping my thighs
- the hot pants with my new tight top
hugging my breasts and my waist
tight like you should

all for you to unwrap me
after we've
ridden our bikes along Brisbane River
taken the night boat,
kissing all the way from St Lucia to Bulimba,
danced at the jazz club
been to Metro Arts
disturbed the possums at the Botanical Gardens
crossed all the bridges illuminated
climbed those Morton Bay figs
got sick on the swing
said our prayers and made our wishes
may be even at the Drive In
You should unwrap me
this gift so willing to go
so overdue...

Proof

If a proof of love, deep love, pure love
Was needed
What proof would ever suffice,
Would convince,
Would last?

Only this:
Chipping away at my own little ego
In small portions,
vulnerable and courageous.
Giving to You in bliss
Gifting You with
food, shelter, warmth, intimacy, freedom
necessary for your growth.
And this- every day!
Its a mammouth mountain to climb
But the gains are in giving.
And so the only way to be
and love.

Me Your meditation.
And yes I worship You.

Thought of the day

I can not be trusted.
Do not trust me.
Whoever you are
whatever you want
do not trust me.
I havent learnt
to trust myself yet
so dont flatter me
there really are things
I am shit at

Affinity

I have always thought of the wind
as naughty
and playful
and lucky

Who else gets to go everywhere,
under mens coats
under girls skirts
caressing all those legs
into the homes
occassionally breaking cups
but without blame
kissing faces
ruffling hair
carrying birds
disturbing souls with its moaning
making me tremble
wide eyed, terrified
and excited
when I hear it angry
blowing its own release about,
saving souls with its cool
dressing up in the perfumes
of its own choosing
depending on mood
toying with lovers
and occassionally
getting in-between
like noone else can


Long standing
is my affinity
with the Wind
Lucky thing

Enlightened Under a Frangipani Tree

Pondering a tree from where I lie
It has been here for a good while
A mature tree one might call it
If you trust the appearances

Hopeless to explain or understand
How each of those branches started
What impulse brought them forward
Twisted, stretched and thwarted

Thankfully I havent yet heard of
Tree Therapy, though thats not to say
Someone somewhere isnt doing it
Matching the weather patterns and shoots

A million branches, some old and some new
Some dead, home for bees,
Others luscious, others simply plain
Complex, so complex is a tree

And then this liberating thought strikes me
A human being surely is even more complex
than a tree On so many levels
This thought sets me free!

No amount of analysis
Can ever fully explain me!

Let the sun and the wind take care of growing me
And when all my breathing will be done
I will fall over
And caterpillars will make their coccoons
in my dry bones
and release colourful butterflies

In Weakness and Strength

I think now I see
The way you got in
Through the back door,
through my weakness
got embedded in there
like a necessary part of
my inner processes.
Good times were scary
relaxing only
when its called
holiday.
Strong times- fascinating!
but frightening
without a part to play
you watched suspicious
and awe-struck

In sickness and health
well, that can be hard
but in weakness and strength
a lot more common a task

A new concept is trialled
its called trusting the other
in weakness
holding out the hand
and not carrying
in strength
holding out the hand
and celebrating
not withdrawing

Looking in my heart I know
it is possible to adore
in both
as long as there is
plenty of courage,
a wonderful
uncelebrated
aphrodisiac!

Total Meltdown Here

Word by word and with some jazz in it
My naughty wanting strokes your wide chest
A finger plays slowly
I kiss your nipple
You run your fingers through my hair
You pull a little
I am all electric
My neck begs for your lips and your tongue
I have no more knees or arms or legs
for that matter
I am a snake curling and twisting around you
and you kiss me into you
and you trust me
and you thrust into me
and you melt into me
and I melt
and we are golden
molten
hot and sweaty
with love

Most Tenderness

She is so little
And with her little hands
She strokes my heart
She wipes my tears
And with her little words
She says dont cry Mummy
Stop crying Mummy
And with her little body
She hugs me and holds on
She tries to understand
And with her little smile
She says Is it better Mummy?
Much much better?

You bet my Darling.
You bet.

Beautiful Reality

I get back up
I think my face is bleeding
where it hit
the tarmac of reality.

Merciless
it stares into me
saying
This is it!

Beautiful
it is so very simple
more free
more real and without pretence
tiring
once you've been gutted
and left exposed

We're in a church
He starts to cry
uncontrollably
All this wetness
from his eyes, his mouth,
his nose
and no tissues
and a plea
Please please tell me
you are an Angel
come to say
I can wake up now
and my Mum will be back?

Disturbing
is reality
sometimes.

Examine it closely
or walk right on
you still need to breathe
and it flows easy.
Sometimes.

A Spiritual Feeling

A feeling
vague, slippery, airy like incense smoke
here now and air the moment after

A feeling
at odds with my desire, laughs at my desire
blows through my desire, says its impermanent

A feeling
permanent like air, elusive like an animal
permeating like anima, here now but gone again

A feeling
no matter how hard I hold on to you, make you mine
it is bigger, a lot bigger and permanent
but nothing to touch.

Vow of Silence

Restraint
she says
gives you that space
she says
that space
she says
where truth can be observed
and
love can be applied
with Will

Non-action
she says
requires more at times
than action
and dont we all know it!

The Truth
she says
is different for everyone
so which Truth
she says
will you speak?

Choose wisely
she says.
Lacking wisdom
a vow of silence
preferable.
Be still.
Listen.
Be still.
Be silent.
Dont rush it.
Truth
reveals.

Without a Doubt

The rainforest sunrise
before traffic wakes
I am thinking of You
(Always thinking of You)

Morton Bay Figs
hugging and climbing
I am thinking of You
(Always thinking of You)

Still of the night
in my secret garden
I'm thinking of You
(Still thinking of You)

In the landscape of my poems
in the visions of my dreams
Always talking to You
I'm still talking to You

Every tormented day and night
and all of my life
Wanting You
Only wanting You.

Gratitude

Always doubted
the lasting value of insights
but they seem handy
there and then
when a decision needs to be made.
Hindsight in advance
being impossible
I know
saying that this pain
might turn out good for me
achieves nothing.
And so we live
hopefully
from a challenge
to a challenge
brave at times
to decide.

But gratitude
is different.
Gratitude makes everything
absolutely everything
better.
Calling for perspective
irks some.
But gratitude is different.
Grateful
that I am not being shot at
as my heart bleeds metaphorically.
Grateful
that I dont have to beg
when I'm leaving a home behind.
Grateful
for that earthquake that is You
bringing my world crashing down
spurring me on to rediscover what matters.

No matter what happens.
Gratitude.
Because it is true.

So I dye my hair orange
wash the walls
and say Thank You.

But go on Hoping.

My Ship

I finally get it
all those analogies
about holding that ship steady,
the winds, waves and the storms...
Not an easy skill
but getting better with time
and practice.
Each time
I get blown away
and return,
finding that ship
still intact!
A scratch here or there
a delusion lighter
a mistake lighter
a hurt lighter
and intact
just lighter
and easier to steer.

Glad I am capable
momentarily
of the most noble
selfless
unconditional
but always thrown off course
like a rag
dont expect this
every day,
not even all day,
not even
a moment
after this moment.
All the best
and all the worst
is all in me.
Oscillating
in between
right now
like never before.
This is how I expand,
pushing my limits,
exceeding them
again and again
and shocking myself.

I guess I am versatile.
Unpredictable.
Capable of much
or less than human.

And still that ship sails
intact.
This is a miracle.
I have a home after all.

Heavy Heart

As the walls get bare
the emptiness grows
Trying with all my might
to hold on
to my strong self
Trying with all I have
to hold back
the bereavement
of this double loss...
Failing
minute after minute
with moments of clarity
in between.
I beg for amnesia
This week never happened
I beg to wake
to my new self
surfing
balancing still
in the Tree pose
spinning the hoola hoop
belly dancing
back
in love and life.
But this week is determined
to crawl like a snail
over shards of glass
calling for surrender.
How do you know
you dont need it
she asks
Because you dont have it!
Struggling to get my head around that one
I surrender
to what is
and what isnt.
And ponder
the absurdity of
how what isnt
can hurt more than that
what is.

To Remember Nonna, Gabit and Raya

Trying to sum up
the essence of this people
Overwhelms me

Proud people
expecting much from themselves
taking care of own integrity
too much pressure a little misguided

Emotional people
much stronger than they think
not sure they're allowed to feel
like they do

A strong sense of community
An instant bond
over language and memories
true brothers and sisters
ask for anything

They go straight to the core
and the moment is alive
in the best way
that humanity can do it.

They walk away holding hands
this Mother and her Son
and I cry
loving those Eastern Europeans.

Letting The Inside Go

There is filth in these old boxes
Clothes and photos without a home
Left behind and forgotten
Rotting

Lifting the lid
I let go
Listening to the mother
shes stuck in self pity
angry and scared
and blind
I let go
Putting the milk away
Saying Thank You
I let go
Writing
with heart at my fingertips
I let go

Stepping outside
I let go
of the inside
Empty in between both
when I succeed.

So Many Tears

How everything hurts
So many tears
released
over starting over ending
over meeting over parting
over old and over new
over him and over You
over or through
released
and one can still
be gentle

Garden Tears

This garden is so hard to leave
Here are the beds that grew
my peas and my beans
Here the climbing passionfruit vine
Here is the step
I've sat on
so many evenings
breathing love
growing dreams
looking up at the same Moon
that you see
Lying in the hammock
I sway
I am away
with the wind
and the peace
and the crows
that used to drive me mad
My heart aches for the crows
and a place of my own
and a garden
like a house
only outdoors

Love me

Reaching out
to make contact
in times of war
in mental asylums
in refugee camps
in sickness
no time to waste
courting
flirting
dating
down to basics
fucking
and making love
I would too
What else could
Bring one home
quicker?
This to me
says the most
about love.

My Male Friend

The importance
of my male friends
really mustnt be
underappreciated.

They've done the leaving
they've done the divorcing
they have a very
very good perspective.

A hallmark of a true friend
trusting
that you can handle
the difficult
the confronting
advice.

This is It

My sadness
My tears
My weakness
My mutness
My shock
My flatness
My acceptance
My gratitude
My request
Deeply authentic

A Psychosurgical Incision, Miranda

This is important
An incision was made
and I lay here
letting it ooze out
Its like this:

He might leave me
If he connects to her deeply he will leave my life
Implications being that love and connection will leave my life
I will be alone
It is scary to allow your closest person be with others on a deep level

and then BOOM!!!

HE MAY DECIDE THAT I AM INADEQUATE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH, NOT CLEVER ENOUGH, NOT FUN ENOUGH!

Could it be that
I might decide that he is not adequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough?

Or:

I might decide that I am inadequate, not good enough, not clever enough, not fun enough!

I am inadequate.

oh God
for 8 years I have
tortured a man
driving him to feel
more and more inadequate
all run by my own
deep sense of
inadequacy.

It is a phantom thought,
one that right now,
in the moment
I do not believe
but one that
has invaded my every cell,
affected my every action
and hit me in the gut
over and over
enjoying its own strength.

To simply say
it is not true
is not enough.
To see how it makes me
squirm, please, sweat,
run, avoid, bully and abuse
is not enough.
To let go
is almost impossible.
For if I no longer believe
I am inadequate
I have no more excuse
to act like one.
I see it clearly.
It doesnt want to leave!

So I close my eyes
I face it
It is everywhere
I go back in time
I see the little girl me
and how
day after day
for years
for many many lonely years
no matter what she does
no matter how she tries
she can not get
her Mother to love her,
to consistently enough show
that she is loved,
not even as much
as confidence
in being liked!

Inadequate- obviously!

I hold that little girl
while the rivers of tears run
and I say Yes, Yes,
I see it
and I accept
I accept over and over
this perfect little girl

cut to the core
something deflates


I sit with it
and I thank us all.

Not Long Now

Remembering
my teacher
making me jump
those low low jumps
that only an obsessed
martial arts fanatic can come up with
over and over again
it is not over yet
you can do more
lower, you must go lower
another round
dont stop keep going
you've got more
lower, you can do lower
never been a woman of strength
I cry
I am so sorry for myself
I want to stop
I have stopped
in my head
a long time ago

They say if you break through
this pain barrier
you find more strength
Never really mastered that one
got my epidural after
all two days of trying
I say to myself
Every lesson ends
some time.

An Ordinary Day

Its not every day
That you disconnect phone accounts
Choose a new gas supplier
Sell a piano
Discuss your marriage
Tell someone close
that love has gone

But the little girl
with the sea colour eyes
Still wants a playground
Makes you climb ropes
Tumbles and falls
Kisses your nose
Making it an ordinary day
And such a good one.

Enough

lets check out of this rehab.
lets get a graph done for days spent
on planet White Light
and on planet Earth
and have a good laugh
about it all

lets get back to the business
of being me.

A Spiritual Hangover

What the hell did I take last night?
It blew my mind,
It blew me up
Into the white light
Far out!

I return to Earth
with my spiritual hangover
Oh shit

How I've Come About- Its Mystical

When you challenged me
With poetry
Something stirred
When you opened your inside
And revealed
The stirring grew

When I gave myself to you
A bond was sealed
A dance began
And it is a powerful dance
With each move
Perfectly synchronised
I started to be exposed,
Driven to get exposed,
Held by you

It started with passion,
Glimpses of Unconditional,
Then the whole lot
Came to be seen-
Fear, Insecurity, Doubt, Cowardice, Selfishness, Weakness,
The emptiness inside

Now
I have quaked
I have erupted
I have collapsed
What stood here before
Is rubble
House of phantoms it had been
Anyway
Fear lived in each room
False beliefs like screens
on the windows
And nothing
What it seems

I look over the empty
with relief
Difficult I realise
Doesnt equate unpleasant
It is what it is
And why should it be
any other?

Nature is unstoppable
I will grow back
But choose courage over fear
every time
And remember that
Loving You
Is Loving
Is Being
Grace

And you see,
This is why
I want you in my life
You keep revealing me
And all that matters...

I still dont know
Which way I am growing
But I know this-
Where I am
Is the only place
I can possibly be.
My best place.
You're welcome
to join me.

Home Truths

Who am I
And what do I do?
I look
But only find
inadequacies
lack
lack
and lack
my cowardice
cornered
spotlight burning
this is all I find
at least
I am all illuminated

On Challenges

"If only we arrange our life according to that principle which counsels us that we must always hold to the difficult, then that which now seems to us the most alien will become what we trust and find most faithful"

- Rainer Maria Rilke

I did have easy years
many beautiful easy years
In fact clung onto them
refusing to let go
until my world
and reality
started to be
two different places.
And I didnt want to be
in either.

Entering a new age
I have joy
but not the easy.
Easy really seems to have
gone for good.
No, I am still on that treshold
sulking.
Thats the honest truth.

Strong Women

The lights go down
there is a woman
in a hula hoop.
Music, her body,
her distressed face
her night clothes
her breasts loosely covered
hopelessly hanging
and that hoop
tell a story
"You cant break that
which isnt yours"
something devastating
has happened here
we all shiver

The bellydancer
with a tree on her back
The juggler
with water for hands
That hula hoop pair
with arms of steel-
strong women
free in expression
versatile

I might not have
the right words
at the right time
but I sure can clap
with my hands numb

Breathing in Life.

On Marriage and Love

I have a friend
a gorgeous european girl
around thirty
she has a little girl
like a princess
she is 3 years old.
And she has an ex
a nasty piece of work
by my standards

My european friend
has fallen in love
with this guy
married
around fourty
and main carer
of 3 gorgeous boys
4, 6 and 8 they are.
And he has fallen for her
utterly
madly
marriage having been
dead and a pain for the last year or two
he still offered his wife
a chance to go talk to someone
see if it could be rescued
she refused
its been 2 months
they're at the lawyers
turns out theres such a thing
as a parenting plan!
stipulating how many days and nights
whos got who
come what time
leave what time
even psychologists advice
on how to introduce
my friend to the older boys!
For crying out loud
they're even talking
having a child together
quick bfore he's too old
and-YES!-
he has to reverse his
vasectomy!

WOW...

Luck has nothing to do with it.
My friend is beautiful
and she deserves the best!
And a lot can be said
for timing.
Perfect timing.

She says someone has lied.
I say I need evening classes
in self respect.
And timing.

I am happy for my friend
as I scrub myself
inside and out.

Take what you will from this,
preferably dont take
anything at all.

Still-
a true story.

On Loving

Undeniably
we are all a mixed bag
My Father a coward
hasnt spoken to his son
for over twenty years
Not separated by concentration camps
or adoption
or arrest
no- in ordinary life
with channels of communication
to choose from
Yet can you discard a man
for a fault
even if a major one?
Do that and you will never see
the humour, hard work,
genius, ideas, caring
and love
that cohabit
with cowardice

A young Mother
in tears
He needs more discipline
No, you're too tough on him!
Oh, I dont want my boy
to be the worst behaved kid
in the class!
This the bully-
strokes his sister's head
kisses the girlfriends
hugs me
and shares his meals
even Lego!

A mixed bag from beginning to end.
Look for flaws
and you'll find flaws.
Love the goodness
and expand the good.
Simple enough.
But who has all the love and courage
to look at us this way?

On Human Nature

So stubborness irks us because we can not budge
So cowardice makes us feel weak as we can not speak up
So anger enrages
Control infuriates
Criticism is completely unjustified
(when received of course!)

This crisis is a goldmine.
Looking in the mirror
and this time
Narcissus is nowhere to be seen.

This is the Mother of all denial
13 days to go.
Totally convinced
someone else is coming to do my packing.
Reluctantly
I start pulling the weeds.