A Timely Reminder

only myself to shame
only myself to blame
mysterious as life is
only my own choices to claim
my own anger
my own tears
my own feelings
my own fears
my mistakes
my lessons
my hearthbreaks
my acceptance

Guilty as charged.

True feelings today

It is raining
Not the torrential washout
But soft and warm
like tears

Pondering
living with cowardice
living with resignation
one can make a good, GOOD lie
ups meant to say life

But cowardly decisions
so corrosive
Resignation
dead and breathless
What grows in that garden?

It is indeed
through interaction with others
that I am revealed
wants
strengths
and weaknesses.
Bloody marvelous!

Empty

Empty where there were ideals
Empty where dreams once woke
Empty where there was an 8pm phone call
Emptier still where there were words

Empty skin were there was a lover
Empty where hand is held out
Empty ears waiting for voice
Emptiness in all this noise

Empty like at the end of my out breath
It is a potent time

Time to inhale

Inhale

Life

An Honest Account

and it would go like this:

Today at the tattoo show
much flesh, many people
but how in the minority
theres so much conformity
amongst these rebels-
It is quite curious!
So much sameness
I got dizzy
and I swear
even the beards must be cloned
part of the same set
that contains a bald head,
a big gut
and a foul foul mouth.
Sure pearcings too
Silence...This is good.
Enjoying it
Content
You can do it, no dont do it
come on, do it do it do it!
Oh well
I think I am beautiful
I really am
and I love myself.
Isnt this nice

More!MORE
I cant let him go
I scream for more
but wait a minute darling,
you dont want to be left so hanging on
while the people sort out
the weak from the strong
the right from wrong
sure with best intentions
but dont you want ...
MORE
Oh darling try this-
"Committed". Yes,
theres a good start.
Is this the manual
for how to bag the right guy?
She says something about infatuations
not good for her,
raging tornadoes???
WOW, get out of my head Lady!!!
Oh she is now seeing her man
for what he is...
what the hell do they mean
when they say
see them as they are???
well, thats not looking to fill a hole
or complete you
but I wasnt
or so I thought
AHA
stop arguing guys
now she says something about
mixing up your doors with your windows.
Ouch this hurts
letting in strangers where your spouse alone
should be permitted
fatal flaw
of the weak
MORE
the silence is gone
I think I might not survive
while others rebuild their houses doors and windows
having done the right thing
in the first place
Not me
me- through wisdom or blind ignorance
maintaining my orbit
around this burning planet
that scorches layers of my skin
off me with each revolution
it hurts it really hurts
what are we trying to get to???

Yes please, hug me,
I temporarily seem unable
to contain myself

Got to get these thoughts
out of my head
I am running out of space
in there

Now boys and girls
whos keen to have this mess
for a companion?
I thought so...

Can we stop this confusion???
Accept the toughts
Question the thoughts
Inquire into thoughts
Allow the thoughts???
Experience the feelings
Feelings are a lie
thoughts are a lie
dont believe all of them
accept all of them
question all of them
passion is right
passion is imagined
passion is needed
nothing is needed
all you need is love
all you are is love
all we are love
you dont need love
you have all the love
it can be right to leave it
it can be right to keep it
it doesnt matter
if you are the victim
or the equanimous
we are all one
a big fucking mess of a love

STOP THE VOICES!!!

Expose Yourself

I cant stand him
because he is so bossy,a control freak, so selfish and doesnt seem to be able to love anyone.

...but sometimes when we touch

I cant stand him
because he doesnt respect me.

the honesty's too much

I cant stand him
because he never pays attention to what I say to him.

and I have to close my eyes

I cant stand him
because he can be extremely rude and short tempered with lots of anger.

and hide

I cant stand him
because he has no idea how to be loving to children but tries to teach me!

I wanna hold you til I die

And there you have it.

til we both break down and cry

I cant stand the mirror image of ME.


I wanna hold you
til the fear in me subsides...

An Anniversary

Interesting
How I dont feel like celebrating
this particular anniversary.

One year today.
Not that I can complain
But some of us
in a lot of pain
asking was it worth it?

Moving apart
at an accelarated rate
was it the extra space
that suddenly let me
inhale?

Me still falling
through the vortex
You knee deep
in the remains
of your broken life

But there are good news too
What you think is your life
isnt really your life
Reconstituting ourselves
Heres to a more content
Anniversary.
Hip hip hooray...

Grief

It is like a desert
this in-between place
only colder
and empty
with numbness
Between the life
and the abyss
been here before
pulled it back from the brink
a few times too many perhaps
now waiting for it
to tip over that edge
well and truly
out of reach.
Waiting.
Go.Go.
I let you go.

Values

Yes, values are important
May be even an anchor
I've always searched for

But the air is hot and humid
even at night
the smell of blossom
nauseating
yet I am thrilled
and grateful
for my olfactory gift
for my intact frontal lobe
for my desire
thats got me in the tightest grip
slicing through my abdomen
for my observant self
for courage
for all of you
and for that vibe
that breath of air
inside this balloon
that we are all blown out of
some call it God

Heart Like an Egg

There is a lot to us
And all there to be enjoyed
Take this mind
Talk to it, read it,
play games with it, humour it,
nourish it, bend it,
love it, hate it at times

Take this body
Talk to it, read it,
tease it, love it,
use it, look at it,
humour it (if you must)
share it, leave it at times

Take this soul
Read its poetry, love it,
leave it, feel it,
ravish it, hold it,
see it, understand it,
dont understand it at times

But this heart
It can sail, it can dance,
it can build homes
and heal wounds
and break down walls
yet it is like an egg
if you take it
take it with Tenderness
always hold it with Tenderness

Its like an egg.

Oh yeah Baby

SOULMATES


When you meet your soul mate,
this person will have an instantaneous effect on you.
A soul mate is someone who makes your knees go weak
and takes your breath away.
With but a single glance they lessen your burden,
and but a smile, touch your heart.

You will feel a sense of total connection with this person.
They will touch you so deeply on so many levels
that you will want to share you innermost secrets.
For the first time in your life
someone will make you feel almost like a god.
Once you have met your soul mate, for better or sometimes worse,
your life will never be the same...

One of the things which makes this encounter so unique
is the sense of a profound spiritual experience.
You both feel like this is meant to be
and that you've been together before in a past incarnation.
When you meet your soul mate something happens —
the deep yearning, the compelling energy drawing you
to become physically intimate overwhelms many...

Nothing will have ever felt so right...
There's a sense of safety with this person.
You knowingly let go of your defenses
as a deep empathic bond is formed.
Unlike any other relationships you may have had,
there will be no game playing or hidden agendas, only truth...

There is something about the passion you share with a soul mate
that goes so far beyond just the physical body.
For a moment in time you two are the only
ones who exist in the universe.
Hearts beating in rhythm as your souls
have intertwined themselves becoming one.
Your spiritual energies meld and you feel the flame of creation
move through you like a wave of the ocean on a hot summer's day.
Soon you begin to lose track
of where you begin and your partner ends...

From within the depths of your exquisitely passionate union,
your soul mate will know exactly how and where to touch you.
It will be different, more intense, and more gratifying
than any lover from your past...
And more electrifying than anything you have ever imagined...
They will look into your eyes
and you will feel your soul open wide.
For some people, there is the "rush".
All the love, all the lust,
and all the need will surge forth
from your soul like captives from a cage.

At this moment you will know
what it means to get lost within someone's eyes.
You will experience a realization you have never felt before
and your desire and passion will rise to new levels.
But in the end, as you lay there,
as the warm afterglow begins to fade,
you will realize what just happened was not merely sex.
Sex pales in comparison to what you have just experienced...
To put it simply, your soul mate will be able
to make love to you in ways no one else will ever be able to match...


~~ Unknown
(and somewhat embellished by the Goddess, who knows of what she speaks —
your life will never, ever be the same...)

Soulmates

Richard Bach describes soulmates as "A soulmate is someone who has the locks to fit our keys, and the keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and for who we're pretending to be. Each of us unveils the best part of one another. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."

Yes, that sounds about right!
But before the sweet celestial music
washes me away straight to the Gates of Nirvana
A reminder:
All other laws of human relations
still do apply.
With Courage, Commitment and Tenderness
what amazing life can be made of this gift.
This is pure Grace.

My Voice

Dont have one.
Encouraged not to trust it,
not to trust self.
Always admiring the outspoken ones
in awe.
Remembering the thrill
of expressive declamation,
now completely unable
to unfold, strain those voice cords,
memorise
not to mention the anxiety...
No voice.
Not even one inside.
Not much to say either.
Nodding has got me so far
May be it will see me through
I wonder...
If not for this tightness
in my chest,
needing to be released,
its beginning to hurt.
Now where did I leave it???

She Is Beauty

This stunning woman
with an eagle's nose
most perfect teeth
that decorate the
most beautiful mouth
that speaks with
most certainty
thats laced with
most passion
that she must pour
in her bath every day
along with flowers
making her
incredibly
beautiful
inside
and
out.

Terrified

If I am honest
(And I profess to be
Or at least genuinely try)
I am terrified.

Not able to put a date
On when I was last alone
But remembering what
alone was like
today I look
like that rabbit
in the headlights
paralysed

I am going to
honour my terror too.
And do nothing.

And I Mean Everything

Resting in this peace
Is this respite
Or a permanent move?

Wide eyed
Remembering Golden Buddha Beach
Peace
with not much else to do
but stretch, meditate, yoga...
cordial, pleasant, connected
exchanges
turtles at night
most delicious rice pudding.

Remembering the tsunami
that destroyed it
buildings and people
there was no talk of peace
for a long time...

Even peace worries me
now that I know
that everything passes

Remembering Sylvia

In times of the darkest despair
I want to read this:
Burning up on the edge of
whats humanly possible
to endure
Giving of herself that
What opens my eyes
to the depth of the human suffering
leaving my words fully inadequate.

In times of the darkest despair
I want to read this:
Dont do this.
Consider your Will.
A life more ordinary
And a choice
And a chance
For a child
to be loved.
You are a Mother.

I am sorry Sylvia.

Missing You

This must be
how a home feels
when we are all
on holiday

This must be
how a glove
misplaced
waits for its hand

and those large bird creatures,
those ones with the happy feet
and a neverending night
wait for the earth to tilt

Wanting you
Longing
Each day
Managing the unmanageable
Dying each day
to yesterday
but so full of hope
for many more chances
many mornings
many embraces

If ten thousand lives
I still have
All of those
I'll be
Wanting You.

Here and Now

In the middle of an adventure,
Foreign kisses,
Sarongs and streams,
Human connection
and human loss,
failed attempt
to conquer Everest even
(or base camp if we are honest)
A lesson was learnt-
and eyes opened
for the very first time.

Being any place
is as good as
being any place else.

Just like looking within
is as good as
looking outwards.

It is all there.
All in the here and now.

Sad

Stripping away the main reason for this attraction
Which is of course the addiction to chemicals

Matching passions, interests, values, beliefs
Lacking only the shared time.

I am sad that she gets to.

Embrace Your Demons, Follow Your Heart

Is there anything new left in this world?
For a late bloomer and a slow learner
I will never catch up it seems.
Though that is of no importance
Provided that what I need
Comes to me when I need it.
(and Thank You Universe, it always does!)

So the next time it comes
And starts digging around my belly
Spreading panic, causing tremors
And a steady stream of anxiety,
The task has changed.

Looking.
I will just be looking.
And breathing.
One breath at a time.

Courage- Strength- Determination- Resiliance- Perseverance

Looking for the weakest link.

Children

It is thanks to them
That some of us
Still remember how to laugh and cry

It is thanks to them
That for some of us
Selfless acts are still possible

And it is definitely thanks to them
That the nature of ourselves
Is better revealed
And fast!

Precious, precious gifts
Are children.

In This Glass Box

It is impossible to contain
the infinite
in this glass box
so each day
I live the impossible
hitting my head on the floor
then the ceiling
and the walls
bruised and at times bleeding
I learn slowly.

As for why
I really cant tell.
As for how-
I see there are many ways to be.

Floating in the centre
closing my eyes
going into the dream
of whats outside the box
feeling connected
with outside the box
calm
peaceful
bathing in the dream of love

But floating
not always an option
so it is possible
to explore as high,
as low,
as hard and fast
as you wish
as dull
as slow
as decent
as you wish

Conforming
to "good life",
proper,
stable,
with values
safe.
I guess
with sick and damaged
beign the majority of us
some rules are necessary

But when almost all
need to break the rules
sooner or later
or all the time
could the rules do
with some revision???

It is true though
Children require stability
so dont get too carried away.

In a Muddle

This drive
to understand
why and how and what
seems absolutely
necessary
though with its
mirror images,
angles,
disassociations,
explanations,
incongruous
like this poem

Perhaps
this drive
needs to be
examined
closer
as it feels
like
suicide
or
assassination

who am I???

Not for public display

explosions of anger
and verbal violence
bring relief
and shame
exposing as much
about the object of anger
as about the one
doing the anger

not for display

My Pure Heart

It seems my crime was
Asking for a text message
An extra one,
One out of order,
One that might tip the balance your way

Bemused I am now too.

My pure heart
It is all I have
Honestly
No other talents
An average intelligence
Two arms and two legs
and all other bits and pieces
in place
for now

My heart burns
making passion
thats all
I do
That is my trade
It is my only treasure

And you dont deserve it.

The Pressure Mounts

Unable to sleep
Or eat
Or focus

She remembers
how walking is done
and talking
and the minimal social interaction
required to get through the day here
can be easily copied
with just a bit of observation

Leaving all decisions
up to Time
to tell
She hopes to escape
pain
paying in return
with the searing headache
where the pressure
of her life
is bleeding into her scull

just one drop at a time

Is There a Light

at the end of this tunnel

I remember a night
in the hills of Ireland
lost
we approached a black pit
there was no other way
we couldnt go over it
we couldnt go under it
we had to go through it
blackness like you can not imagine
nothing that an eye can percieve
and not much ahead
just a belief
no actually knowledge
(but this is debatable)
that there is a way out of this

three things I learnt:
every black hole has an exit
vodka makes everything better
and that one-
about a friends hand being a life saver
when you're scared.

Why Indeed

Why do I come here?
Many times a day
Logging on
Typing in passwords

That there are no answers here
I found out a long time ago

Trying to fill this wanting
the most normal of them all
to share my moments with
someone close
to feel close
to be close
to get closer and closer

All this achieves
is a bonding
between me
and my machine.
My fingertips kissing the keys,
Couldnt get any closer.

As for that wanting-
still unfulfilled...

Why do I come here indeed

On Closeness

All This Time

Surprised again,
Another insight
you seem to know
better than I-

Time on my own
Never acknowledged
Never appreciated
Never named-
It is my lifeline!

Not enough of it,
Never enough of it
Now I'm having to allocate
An hour for letters
An hour for reading
and miscellaneous

Ridiculous?
Yet such an improvement
on just before...

I expand with
all this time
filling up
my lungs and my head

Now I see
Time on your own
has to be understood
It is not scary
It is not isolating
It is not deprivation of another
of attention

For some
it is just as essential
as breath

Emotional Immaturity

It is all true
that you said

Neither of us
feeling any better for it
though somehow
its been helpful

No, dont spare my feelings
I've never reciprocated
after all

Kick me hard
And keep kicking
It doesnt hurt enough yet
to change

Growing old
before growing up
this would be
a disgrace

Remaining a needy victim
ever so sorry for myself
this cant go on
you are right

I've got to thank you sincerely
Though I doubt
this will make you
any happier.

Playing

Dangerous game this
that involves
unstable minds
constant inconsistency
impatience

Strongest undercurrents
they are the ones
that matter
but the storm on the surface
will destroy
everything
over and over again

This is and this isnt a game you know
depending on whether or not
you know the rules.

Arty encounter

A guitar player at an airport
He was some place else
The music opened the door wide
Anyone could have found him
But we dont have time
We dont have the courage
For that place
Except for a moment

Still
A breath of fresh air

Thank You

You know who you are
And Thank You
For that chat
For the closeness
For those pointers

Validating each other
We've increased
the good,
the safe,
the peaceful

Never having tried it
in my language
I wonder if my inner mind
Has been misunderstanding always

Esmu miers
Esmu drosiiba
Esmu speeks

Oh what the hell:)
I really am getting
nowhere with this

Always leaving

I am not depressed
I am not even sad
I am empty
You would hear an echo
bouncing off some internal part of me
if you tried
whispering your name
in me

Always leaving
I crave staying
Some place
My place
And peace

Is that called
Growing Up?

Actually
Ageing might be
more appropriate...
I wonder where did the
middle bit go

I Miss You

Dropping all pain
Self protection
Self interest
Selfishness

i miss you

i just do
and I love you
and you are amazing
you really are
all of you

Words

Worshipping words
Big mistake

Should have known better

Load of hot air

"For Better Latvia"
we all know
what those russians
actually mean

Falling for words is
the most stupid thing
one can do.

Damn this.

A brave beautiful person

Where the hell are you all
getting this from?

Well Thank You
I am glad I inspire some
Or serve as an example to others
Or WHATEVER

Then why the hell is it such a nightmare
to be ME???

Bugger this
Drunk on Black Balzams
Numb enough
I'll be anything to anyone.

But what about tomorrow???

Facing My Addiction

Its an addiction
Like any other

A rug pulled from under my feet
I fall, stomach churning
I panic
I send a text
I call
I email
I get a reply
I talk
I laugh
I have had my fix

Until the next time.
Tomorrow?
I should be so lucky...
in a few hours
is a lot more likely

It is living hell.
My liver might be clean
My kidneys still alright
But that heart attack will
definitely get me.

That Emotions Anonymous leaflet
Will come in handy after all.

Going cold turkey indeed.

Being on your own

I think he meant it
as a good thing
"You had to be on your own
a lot"

Well,
Thats where all my
problems started
I said

He was silent
But I suspect
He didnt quite agree

Who on Earth
likes to be alone
a lot?
And who likes and needs that
when they are 1?

32 years later
I need a lesson in being alone
and cohabiting with the panic.

I'll just have to.