1996/1997

wow...
finally forced to look through the box
a lot happened to me in those years
and on the bottom of it
there I was

wide eyed
hopelessly romantic
clean and pure
open and honest
joyous and desperate
connected

not that much has changed
and the dreams and desires
still the same

how can this be?

It is still about Love

Today I read
This silly thing
About Love

About evolved souls
With burning yearnings
To reunite
With the Masculine
Or the Feminine
Other part of them
That they lost
Entering here

Well,
This would explain neatly
This searing pain
This aching
This maddening drive
To be one again

The question has been wrong all along
It is not What Do I Want
It is
Can I move past enough fear
To make room
For what I want

For what I want
What I really want
May be far away
It may be
So far away
It is a lifetime away
Or a few

Can I live a half in the meantime???
May be this isnt about love after all
May be this is about
Truth, Courage and Strength.

Rumi on Passion

Passion makes the old medicine new:
Passion lops off the bough of weariness.
Passion is the elixir that renews:
how can there be weariness
when passion is present?
Oh, don't sigh heavily from fatigue:
seek passion, seek passion, seek passion!

(Mathnawi VI,4302-4302)

The Truth About The Grass

Whats this crap they say
About the grass always greener
Some other place?

Its juicy green here today
Though the frosts are forecast

So if the grass matters to you
Roll in it
Smell it
Chew on it
Wistle with it
Crush it
Rub it
Love and enjoy it
Today

Then have the wisdom
To wait out the winter
Or keep on moving

And shut up about the grass please.

Its Not All About The Mother

My Dad
Will always answer a question when asked directly

My Dad
Doesnt judge, no of course he does, but by his standards and I mostly align with those

My Dad
Is adventurous, open minded, curious, he likes people and beer and fun

My Dad
Can make anything out of nothing. He really can. He taught me.

But if a therapist had to pin point any searching for the Father Figure
It is the search for the Eternal Optimist that is my Dad

Divorced, bancrupt, in prison, impoverished, lost a son.
He smiles from within still and always.

He must be the one who gave me that middle name-
Hope I think it was.

My Giant Oak

and when I hug it
it performs open heart surgery
no anaesthetic
no blood either
just an exchange
and understanding

if only it was that easy with humans

Agony

The air is so clean here
The frosts
The smoke from the stove
Burns my throat
It tastes delicious
Pears and apples
A bed of watermelons
Chopping wood
The flowers

But it is
Impossible not to cry
Feeling your agony

I am so sorry
Everything is inadequate

Baby, do what you need to do
Take a break
Dont write
Or do
Dont worry about us

We wiļl be here waiting
Crying, breathing,
Trying to be still
Trying teleportation
Bound to fail
There is no way of getting to you
For the moment that matters

Just take this from me-
I am not there
But I am there always.
I love you.

Here and Now

With next to no money
The most treasured pleasures
Are had every time here
Me and my Dad
We shop
We get cold
We come into the warmth
We unpack the food with utmost seriousness
And then he pours the beer
They have been busy here
Brewing while I've been away
Smokey One,The Old Way,
Honeybrew
(And God that 1% honey
Is still in my mouth!)
Black Amber

Watching ice hockey
And debating elections

This is life

New Age- after 30, married with children

"Follow Your Heart"

P.S.
- always prioritise your child
- learn to cook
- get a job
- get those driving lessons
- listen to more good music
- practice being considerate
- be nice to the in-laws
- be nice to your mother
- obtain assets
- conclude the therapy
-

What was it again???

My Language Fails Me

I've suspected this before
Coming home always nurtures the soul
But it doesnt understand

I grapple for words, for concepts,
Plead to old closeness
Its useless
That shell lies empty
Left so long ago
Like skin shead
Its still there
You can still find it
But it isnt me

And though
I suspect
The Me at the beginning
Of this writing
Isnt the Me at the end either
This is more profound

A barrier between cultures
Or is it language
That lets me down?
Concepts should translate
If you try hard enough
But I seem to lack
This skill-
This something.

So I remain on this side of the wall
And the whole country
Smile, worry, love, hug, admire, pity and envy me

o
n
t
h
e
o
t
h
e
r
s
i
d
e

A New Countdown

Making things clear
Is totally liberating

Day One again
But a different kind

Suddenly I can
Sing and dance tango,
Join a folk band
Do drama, even learn to drive
And believe
Whatever I want to believe

Better catch that plane
For more joy
Take-off and landing
I seem to love them again

Surprising Findings

Speaking for myself
But with a suspicion
Of wider incidence
Of this phenomenon

I am shocked to find
Only through interaction
With another
I see
What I've needed
So long

What I thought I need
Moving rapidly down the list
I cry
Over opened doors
Carried bags
Bills paid
And drinks bought

It appears that
In my Egocentric Universe
The world exists
To reveal myself
To me.

There is a hope in me
That I can return that favour
And do my part
In revealing others.
Ambitious or what?

A kiss

Loving sweet cherries
As I do
I treasure the moment
My teeth on the skin
Just about to bite
And burst
My mouth full
Of sweetest juice

It is like that
When you lean
To kiss me

Is "She" allowed in a haiku?

Disturbing scream is
Rippling through everyone here
Turns out she just tripped

A scream
Has the longest arm
It comes for you
At a hundred miles an hour
Finds you thirty years ago
Or five
Or yesterday
And punches you in the gut

Irresponsible screaming
Bag full of drugs
And needles
Sprite full of wine
Children waiting
For their visit
It is human hell
Frightening decisions
Hiding there
And a panic

can she do it?
can she do it?
can she do it

Day 3 at the Rehab

Day 3
And still no drama
But drama is the least of the worries
It is obvious
I can spot it by a mile

Its the other kind
That needs keeping an eye on
The niggly feeling
The shakes of my hands
This is brutal
This starving
Cold turkey
Just the breath for nourishment
A part of me screaming
Begging and pleading
For more-
It turns out its the same
Excitement
Or Anxiety
Same same
One used to feel
More pleasant than the other
But looking at them today
Same same
Both hurt

Day 3
Still going strong
The thinking cut down
To the bare necessity
Dont even bother
All I have is
Relax 1,2,3...

Amazing early results
With neighbours
Estate agents
Mothers in-law
This keeps me going

Relax 1,2,3
Gotta keep on breathing
My way out of this mess

Curious to see
Whats under
This low level stress

Frightened
How numb I find myself
Loveless
Like a woman I know
Frightened
I might have died
My love muscle
Atrophied
Unusable
Dead

All I have to go by
Is this
Resisting that What Is
Is futile
Gotta go with the flow
Gotta keep on breathing
Relax 1,2,3

The Girl
Was showed to me last night
Pouting
And crying
Daddy I'm sorry,
I broke the blender,
Will they fire me?
Daddy please pick me up
The bastard wont let me stay
Daddy please make it all better
You understand, dont you?
With your big Daddy mind
You'll always be there for me,
You can read my mind, cant you?

Relax 1,2,3
It still works you see

Baby steps
And going light on myself.
Bury whats dead
Compassionately
Nurture whats injured
Patiently
And just be

Its a simple as
Relax 1,2,3...

Normal

Feeling normal
Stripping away
The endorphins
And cortisol
Pulling my breath
Deep down in my belly
I feel peace
Not of that momentary kind
That is lost before you can name it
Some other kind
I will call it
Feeling Normal.

Is this how most of you have always lived???

So much freedom

Nurturing myself
I stop and smell the flowers
God they are exotic ones here
You inhale
And first there is nothing
And then it comes
Subtle
And rarely sweet
Its divine
Barely there
Nothing to hold on to
Some heavenly essence
That instantly infuses in the blood stream
And turns you
Into a
Flower

There is a hope
For a recovering
Addict of emotional pain

More subtle feelings
Can be felt
Might not sound too appealing
(considering what we've seemed to have lost)
But only
Until they are named:

Tenderness

Vulnerability

Love


I hold on to that hope
Tight

A Lullaby

Holding your heavy head
On my lap
My farmer girl's hands
Stroking your forehead
Kissing the eyelids closed
While you are dreaming
I wisper a lullaby
An incantation

Trust your feelings
Feel your feelings
Trust to show your feelings
They birth the words
She so desperately wants to hear
And they are all right.

Falling deeper and deeper
Inside you.

She and I

In a conversation in my head
He asks
Do you feel threatened by Her?
I say let me see.
Eyes closed I look
Inside of me
It is empty
And indestructible

I find a small part
It is undeniably me
Oh shes threatened alright
Could give a long list of reasons
To do with linguistics
And boldness
And danger
And testosterone
We could play this game
Til emotional exhaustion
There might be kicks in it
This could feed my addiction
Oh yes, prime food for it.

Lovingly I choose to starve it.

Deeper and all around I see
I can not be threatened.
I can not be crushed
Not with a million tons
I is empty
And indestructible.
I is presence.
I just is.
I only wants the best
I only takes the best

Could She ever threaten the relationship?
What is "a relationship"?
Moments of presence on a string
If we're able

Anyone can threaten a little frightened child.
But not in the presence of I.

Mirage

Enrolled
In this accelerated
Long distance course
In fear, trust, art,
Life and love
I discover
Distance is no distance at all
Much closer than a bedside away
Sometimes.
Science might soon confirm
My anecdotal findings
Of the incredible
Conductive properties
Of distance

You say
Enjoy your mirage?
Well my darling,
Arent we all.
Arent we all.

Just Be?

...and this is true.

When you just BE
All that you DO
Is spiritual
To look at.
But you have to just BE
To SEE.

Law of Attraction

Its a powerful thing
This Law of Attraction

With kisses it is easy,
With embraces and caresses
Who doesnt know that feeling
It is easy with a lover

But it gets tricky
With the peace
For with the peace
Go all desires
Also kisses and caresses

This poem
Cant have an ending
It has not yet been lived.

Inposed

inside my skin
there live words
there is fear
there are songs

all exposed I would be
if I wasnt inposed
waiting for Earth to disappear me

Addictions

The sick things we get addicted to,
Some so incredibly painful.
Addiction to pain
To escape pain
Is so evidently
Self defeating
Its incredible
Anyone still does it.
Wake up brother
Wake up.

The Power of Mow

I confess
I get an incredible amount of pleasure
From mowing grass!

It is hard
To think of a more absurd thing to do
Here where grass has made everything
Just like it has everywhere
But I do it yes I do
And many more things equally absurd

It is joyous
To see it flick and fly
And to press down on Mother Earth,
Glide and push over it,
Feel the carpet of grass
Underneath the feet
Soft and springy
Always there
To hold you when you cry desperately

Forgive me Mother Earth
I am after all fully absurd
In my disconnected, isolated, blind state
Like a big joke to You
A joke with a manual mower
May be it works for both of us after all?

In Need of Recharge

I wake up
Got all my eight hours in
Almost uninterrupted
Only enriched by
Child's sweet smell
A friend's hug
And a waiting for a message
From a lover

But so tired.
Tired of lies
Tired of hurting
Tired of ecstasy
Tired of despair
Tired of dreaming
Planning and scheming
Tired of thinking
talking and meditating
Tired of hoping
Yes even that
Hopes popping like soap bubbles
Tired of always having to make more
Having to be strong
And witty and a grown up.

Tiresome business
This living
With all my heart

Mazajai Vitinai

Milo mazo Vitin
Es zinu Tu esi tur, es zinu Tavas bailes, jo katru dienu tas izdzivoju ari es. Tu esi mani tapat ka es Tevi nesu, turu, loloju. Vita ir tads pieaudzis vards, Tev vairak piestavetu Milumins vai varbut Saulite, ari Sirsnina butu labak.

Ludzu paskaties uz mani, ludzu lauj man pienakt klat, es loti loti to gribu. Tu esi mileta, es vienmer Tev esmu bijusi klat, Tevi nesusi, ja varbut Tava mate Tevi atstaja, durvis ciet, izmisums, bailes, bailes, bezizeja, Tu raudi raudi kamer pilnigi izsmelti speki un miegs Tevi glabj. Ka es to zinu? Es to dzivoju velreiz un velreiz...Ludzu lauj man pienakt Tev klat, tikai apskaut, Tu sajutisi manu plecu, tas ir silts, specigs, jo es esmu liela un mani ir speks. Manas rokas ir maigas bet ja vien Tu lausi tas Tevi pacels un tures ciesi ciesi krutim klat. Un nekad, NEKAD nelaidis vala. Nekad jo mes vienmer esam kopa. Es Tevi nespeju nemilet, Tu esi mans sakums, mans fundaments, par visu vairak es velos saplust ar Tevi kopa, apskauties un palikt kopa. Man nav ne jausmas ka tas notiek bet mes viena otrai esam vajadzigas.

Es peksni to labi redzu- nesaprasta, nesaprasta Tu esi dzivojusi tai tumsaja, vientulaja sturi, ta ir elle. Ikreiz es vai nu kluvu par Tevi un nevareju piedavat sapratni jeb teicu sev Esmu Speciga, varu ar so tikt gala. Katru reizi Tu raudaji izmisigak, joprojam nesaprasta, atgrusta....es to tik labi redzu, Vitin!!!Soreiz es saku Es Saprotu!!!Man ir bail. Man ir loti loti bail. Tev ir loti loti bail. Es Tevi saprotu. Es Tevi uzklausu, es atlauju plust Tavam asaram, palidzesu tas noslaucit un Tevi samilosu tad kad tik loti loti macas virsu bailes. Piedavasu speku un sapratni, laiku, pacietibu, milestibu.

Seit ir mana plauksta. Ludzu neatgrud. Tava prieksa uz celiem es busu tik ilgi cik ilgi vajag. Kamer sap Tev sap ari man. To ka Tev gruti uz mani skatities, man atlaut pieskarties, to es zinu. Seit es tik ilgi sedesu kamer Tu nogursi, miedzins parnems un Tu sagurusi noliksi savu galvinu man klepi. Ta mes abas pamodisimies, varbut Tu pacelsi acis, varbut pasmaidisi. Un es Tevi sev ciesi ciesi turesu klat.

Un viss bus labi. Viss bus labi. Viss bus labi mazais. Milumins. Dargumins. Vislabaka. Vismilaka. Visgudraka. Visskaistaka. Ta ir Vita. Maza Vitina, ar Tevi tas viss ari sakas.

Milu, pienemu, ilgojos, bezgaligi ilgojos Tevi apskaut.
Ludzu nac man pieklaujies.
Es gaidisu.

It is Dark in Here

Yes, towers are crumbling
Humans performing inhumane
Scorched bodies
People tortured, murdered and raped
And still it cant be much worse
Than the Hell in my head

I now find
Nothing else matters
When you're in Hell
Totally self absorbed
Totally lost
It is loud in here
With all this screaming
Its impossible to think

No grip, no strength,
No courage
But one cant be courageous
All the time?

While most of me has been dancing
There was someone left behind
Shes still in that corner
Wont talk to noone
Still terrified
Still rocking
Still totally alone
ABANDONEMENT

She wont look at me and
I cant get her to talk to me
Talk please please talk to me
It is so dark in here

An Offering

Waking up
Theres a drummroll
Theres a-clappin'
The MC announces a simple message
(And ridiculously profound)

Everything will be alright

Its a peculiar thing
Having best interests at heart
Is right every time
And no, not own- the other's!

But here I've already spoilt it with
Overwordiness

Its a lot more simple
Its about a hundred jokes
And a hundred laughs
And

Everything will be alright

We've been too far
We've been too bloody deep
Lets not even retrace the steps
Lets just open our eyes and see
A new face

You

and

Me

I am so curious!

Birds and Beads

Some mornings its just like this
Laughing, dancing, singing,
My morning Yoga
(well, some call that a stretch, how dare they!)

I take a long time
Choosing the beads today

Red and heavy
Like a lover's kiss on my neck
Yellow and long-
A cheap shot but cheerful
Shells bland, not enough colour
Though earthy

Its my own tribal dance
With birds and the beads
All the right trinklets
A rainbow
And mud on my face
An initiation
A Welcome
A birthing of me
How it could have been done
How it should have been done
It is finally being done.

Scared

When you're scared
You can not.

Talk Hear Trust Open Listen Give Grieve Celebrate Know Think Remember Accept Gift Live See Grow Dance Sing and

You definitely
Can not love

You'll just have to forgive me
There is no other way
No postnatal depression
No bipolar disorder
No nymphomania

Forgive me fear

So part of me
Not an organ
Not a fibre
Not a site
Part of every cell it has been
Just me

Perfect match for you
Needing desperately
To be needed
Abandonment
Equalling
That dreaded ridiculed unavoidable
Mental Health Ward

Now this hurts like hell
I see it
Tired eyes
Angry mouth
Bitter lines

But would you really
Want me like this?
Trapped
Captive
Slave

Please forgive
I am saying my fear
Good Bye.

Profundity

So much has changed
Another chance
And this time
I am no beggar

Curses I may have many
Strings pulling
It is tough at times

But a new taste for life
For joy and for pain
The goal no longer the goal
The journey the goal

So many scorn
I only smile
Oh,I am wicked

Couldnt have done this
Without help
Right people right places
Right time

Ripe time...

Portal

Even if I could
(and I really lack most of those gifts so I cant)
Combine the poetry, visuals and a generous helping of divine music for more emphasis
I would still fail
To explain
This one feeling-

So little
So vast
So complete
So natural
So fundamental
So total
So permeating
So only one-

That I find
When I open you and walk through
This portal.

Hormonal Power

Making a hormonal choice
I weigh up cost and benefit
Sweet relaxed bliss
versus
Giving up my highs and lows

I never knew
The value of my highs and lows
Until they were gone
Leaving this flat unaffected person
Who bored me to death

When it was over
It was like homecoming
And I promised
I will never leave myself again

Now he says
You've got to be careful
What they do to you
I swear
I could see him signing the papers
Committing me
Kicking and screaming
What a nightmare
And hopefully
An impossible one
This day and age

Hormonal times
Hormonal choices
Do I still get to keep myself this time?

Talking Despair

I no longer know
This disturbing despair
Is it mine
Or is it borrowed

In an ocean of souls
All holding hands
I guess it is only natural

Oddities

I just think its odd
How the helpless need help
But the helpers are also helpless
Is that why noone is able to help anyone?


It is also odd
How when one gives up on us
Another comes and adores
Same person many loves
If we're lucky
Enough to tie us over from cradle to grave


Is there hope in this?
That help we may not
But love we can?
Well lets love then
With all that we've got.

Being Cautious

I can see it happening like in the movies
He closes eyes so does she
He slides his hands over her shoulders
Down her back
They kiss
Their bodies pressed together
They breathe fast

And then Sorry I cant do this...

There are more in this bed than you knew
The coveted one suddenly a pale reflection of the real thing
The hands suddenly sober lumps of wood
The lips numb with lust drained

I am just being cautious.