The Answer (for today)

Prior to my attendance
At a previously scheduled
Psychological torment

She sends me an answer

The answer is
I have no fucking clue

Dont come she says
For a professional opinion
On the right and the wrong
The choices and decisions

I have no fucking clue

She says Only You
Can live it
And it is how you live it
That matters

I might save that money
And get a new pair
Of sexy heels.

Easy Admission

This writer
He asks about bands
About books
About Brisbane authors

I say no
No
NO
Feeling stupid
Has never felt this good
I beam

He doesnt know
But I do
I have been asleep!

God and Universe
And Hallelujah
It feels so good to wake.

I See You

I dont want to mislead
I have no powers of Avatars
To see soul to soul
Though I hopelessly try

I just see you
An eternal wonder
A mystery unbounded
Courage unseen
Honesty unexperienced

I stare inside you aghast
Wanting? yes there is a wanting
This Universe
It is here I want to live.

Its About Acceptance

Theories and methods and therapies
Thats me knocking on my own door
Please please let me in
And for the journey
Can I have
Some charts and graphs and
May be a manual
Hey, a map will do too
I can look at that
As I'm drowning

Then more is revealed to me
They say I'm a diamond
With multiple facets
They mention subpersonalities
They talk about function
They say there are heroes
And cowards
And children
And clowns

Well- welcome. I have seen you all before.

Now and here
The thing to do
The mantra to use
Is acceptance
Its about acceptance

And thats a start.

What the F...

This is unbelievable
Another night shift
Another boy
Out with a girl
Confessing her hots for him
Him confessing his thing for me

Did I miss a lesson in this
The first time around??

Approaching Despair

Doing my head in
Doing my head in
This is really doing my head in

End of an Era

Baby,
I dont mean to hurt you
It is just the end of an era

Mostly closed doors
And closed chapters
Photos so final
Like the end of an era

Words captured and saved
Now dusty
Trips and protests forgotten
At the end of an era

Good and fun
Deep and healing
Transforming
It is still the end of an era

Close the door.
We'll start the next one
And thats a promise.

Dreams

I hate dreaming about my teeth

I must have overheard as a child
If you lose a tooth someone close to you will die
So teeth are a big No No in my nightly wanderings

So there it was last night
A pretty tooth that seemed new and an extra
But felt as if it'd been there all along

She said we'll have to remove it.
Fearing the brutality
I loosened the beauty
With my own tongue
And handed it over

Sigmund,
Can I have a 2:30 please?
TODAY!

Physical

I couldnt tell you this
But I enjoyed you nervous
And excited
And elated
Like me

I couldnt tell you
But I watched your hand
Inside your shirt
On your chest
Wondering
How warm
And soft
Is your skin

I couldnt tell you
How you were kissing me
All the way through the mangroves
Under bridges
Under my collar bone
And that hand
Through my hair

And now you know

Curious

I am trying to work something out
So bear with me...

If I have a blind spot
And stuff that neither me nor anyone else is aware of resides there
How can anyone ever become aware of the contents of my blind spot?

It doesnt seem worth the bother
A bit like me 7 years old trying to prove to my Dad
That Australia really does exist
While freezing at an icy bus stop
In Eastern Europe

It never would matter either way
Unless Australia hit my busstop
With a superlong range missile

I guess we would all then ask-
Where did that come from?

Is the art of living
Never to rouse the creatures of the blind spot???

Change

I realise suddenly
The whole world of difference
Between changing my reaction
And being changed.

It might appear all same to others,
Most will never know
(or care)
But I WILL know
When I sing breathing really carefully
And when I sing feeling free

And best of all when I dont need to sing at all.

Sugar snap peas

The whole world may not make much sense
People might seem a lost frontier
On their way to extinction and deservedly so

But the sugar snap peas in my garden
Have never tasted any better
Try them with your bare feet in the earth
Grass and dirt
Cold this time of year
But nourishing
Bottom to top
And inside out

The so called sane perpetuate madness
And the mad are the only ones
Who know better

Its an upside down world

Parents

It shocks me every time
Hands over my mouth
Biting to keep still
And quiet
Breath temporary absent from my awareness

A photo
Of a gorgeous boy
With ginger curls
Another photo unseen
Another boy
More cute hair
Children upon children
And me in the pile
Innocent
Trusting
Confused, so very confused

Hands hitting
And smacking
And pulling
And a belt
On my skin

Worse horrors happen as I write
But more inhumane?

Who got to be the apple of the eye?
It wasnt us.

Mental Health Care Plan

I have one of those now
Not sure if I want to laugh or cry
But to justify my selfdiagnosis I'll probably do both...
At the same time

In the coming weeks I wait
Eager to give another go
Get to the core
Or may be just breath slow and deep
While I hold that dam wall

I envy you all
Those with the strong feeling of core
And self

Is my Mental Health Care Plan
Going to get me there?

Unravelling

Who would have thought
That a blog can become a lifesaver?
A safe space to give in to verbal dhiarrea
With much personal meaning
And no global value
And no reason to care

I still know myself so little
When a simple gesture of kindness
Makes you cry at the doctors office
Perhaps the courage has been only superficial

Unravelling

True to Myself

Now you say
Can this love last, do you love me enough, how will I keep your interest

First I stop, wait for the fear to fade
Before I can think

Insecurity is my middle name
or may be it was

Because if I am honest with myself
Gutted, bereft, saddened I would be to lose your admiration
But I would go on

Connectedness I embrace, addiction I confess
But dependence I will avoid like black plague
Been there done that

Is there a difference between constant challenge to grow
And constant feeling of not being good enough?

Well I say to you
I am good enough
I am better than good
I am complete
Clever may be not
Gifted not likely
But I am alive

I am that beam
Breaking out of the closet
I give my light
I have nothing else to give
All of my light I give

The Nape of My Neck

I dont actually want to write a poem
I want your lips to be here to do what you spoke

Kiss the nape of my neck
And my back
Every curve I will save for you
Let your lips love my skin
Your hand
Holding my breast

John Martyn sings
And we are both so much in love
Me with you

Lullaby

I feel most alive
Singing my daughter a lullaby
You are lucky if you get to

Heard it all before

It is amazing
Do these lines not change with the modern times
I'd rather stop it now
And
I need more time to think this over
Stepping outside the wedded port
Its like I've never left
The rough seas of love and uncertainty
A numbing sense of dé·jà vu
I must be doing something wrong

Moments

On a morning like this it is only moments that keep me sane.
The moment I stretch up to the sky and the cool air hits the bottom of my lungs
The moment I pick up the newspaper from the lawn and the dew touches my fingertips
The moment I put my lips to the cup and send the hot coffee sliding down my throat
A daunting amount of moments to get through and yet
To get through I only can by breathing through all the moments.

Singing heart

Two of you
Make my heart sing
My little daughter
And you my lover

Having had such completeness
Although I am greedy for more
I am ready to die today